Peeing In The Bathtub

Jury Doodie

2008-12-03T18:21:00.001-08:00

I feel like I just did time. I just got done with 2 days of jury duty. I don't know if funny stuff happens to everyone in jury duty, but I'm going to retell my experience for those of you lucky enough to never get jury duty. This will be long.

DAY ONE

I have to be at the court building at 8:45 AM. I choose to get up early so as to avoid crowded subway trains and get a seat in the waiting room. I have two books and my journal. I don't think I'm going to get through both, but I want to be prepared. I've been here before in July when I postponed jury duty, so I have somewhat of an idea of what to expect. They show a short video on jury selection and the law.

Also, I want to include this anecdote for your enjoyment/betterment. There was a sports agent who had his jury duty deferred 7 times. The legal limit is 3. He finally couldn't get it delayed any more and was pitching a fit. They got him calmed down and had him sit in a jury selection. He didn't turn off his cell phone and made a big show of replying to his messages. The judge then appointed that he stay in the waiting room for 10 days. There was nothing that could be done. I found this to be hilarious and secretly hoping it was Scott Boras.

Here is where it gets fun. We all give our jury cards with our names on them to the desk clerk who then puts them all in a machine that looks like one of those contraptions they use for bingo. Then they start drawing names. GREAT...mine is called to go to civil court. That is in a different building so I have to walk with 19 other people and a court officer in the cold. We then wait to be allowed into the courtroom. There's already this one kid I don't like who looks like he should be on trial for something himself.

Hey! What do you know...he knows one of the defense lawyers. He is sent away. That assistant DA is cute.

The judge now goes through some things she has to say and a guy pipes up from the back with some story about how his cousin got deported on a weapons charge blah blah blah. The judge tells him to wait for the story and then we all take our seats. The questions you get when you are in jury selection are pretty basic. Where do you live, how long, who with, what do you do. There are also some questions about your knowledge of those in law enforcement, sitting on a jury in the past, your regarding of police testimony, and any objections you may have to serving on a jury.

These are all pretty straightforward, yet some people had trouble going in order when they answered the questions. Even after they've heard 10 other people already answering the same questions. The above storyteller told us again about his poor deported cousin and weapons charges. I also talked about how I was likely to give less credibility to cops. The judge then informed me I was to treat all people equally and I said ok. We went through everyone else and took a short break.

When we came back in, I took my seat and noticed on the prosecutor's jury sheet, my seat is circled. I'm not shocked. She then picks it up, talks to what looks to be her superior who then looks up from the paper directly at me. We lock eyes and I know he's just told her to get rid of me. Once we all get back in we begin to be questioned by the attorneys. Cute assistant DA asks me if I can be fair. I tell her that I can because the judge told me to be. Then the judge laughs about her power and I suck up and say "Well, you're the boss" and she laughs again. Cute assistant DA may hate me right now.

This part of the selection process is quite annoying. The prosecution doesn't care about the "people of the state of New York." They care about winning the case. The defense doesn't care about the Russian accused of drunk driving. They care about winning the case. All we are as jury members are people that can get them their desired result. Listening to others drone on about their lives found me picking at my nails. The defense attorney shocked me with a question pointed to me and I looked up. I forget what it was.

After 30-35 minutes of questioning, we step outside while the attorneys select jurors. We wait some more. There is a lot of waiting. Bringing something to read and/or do is essential. They bring us back in and SHOCKER! I am not selected. I then head back over to drop off my juror card to be put back in the pile and then go to lunch.

After an always delicious meal at Quizno's, I go back to the jury waiting room. At about 2:30 and a full waiting room, I am told I can go home and come back tomorrow at 10:30 am. I am overjoyed.

DAY TWO

I leave at 9:30 this morning on subways that are dying down from rush hour traffic. I'm not sure what my food situation is going to be like so I stop into McDonalds for breakfast. When I get into the waiting room, roll is called and our names are thrown back into the bingo machine. They need 65 jurors and I'm almost positive mine will be called. What I like is, anyone who was late for roll was called first. Finally, it paid off to be early.

However, 65 is a large number and my name is called. We go down for a criminal case about an assault with a weapon. The judge calls for more jurors to be pulled. We wait for those and then we start the selection process. She lets us know this case will last until next Monday the 15th and you can feel the tension in the room. I am not in the first 25 pulled so I have to listen to everyone go through the questions. Luckily, this judge is a GID (get it done) type and hurried anyone along who was moving too slow.

Then the assistant DA gets up and he clearly hasn't taken enough public speaking lately. His questions are peppered with "ums" and quite frankly he is too repetitive. He let's us know that the primary witness against the defense. has prior convictions on his record. This makes the case smell kind of fishy. Then the defense attorney gets up and keeps it all entertaining. He made fun of the prosecutor for taking too long and I enjoyed that. I also enjoyed the excuses for people being unfair in this case like "I have a problem with guns" or "I have cancer treatments and I can't serve."

The judge dismisses us for lunch. It's 12:45 and she says be back at 2:15. I'm thinking "awesome" until I realize I'd rather just be back at 2 and get this thing over with faster. I have another delicious lunch at Quizno's and walk around. I wonder if I'm anywhere near the SoHo Apple Store where Patrick Murphy works and quickly deduce that I'm not close enough and walk back to the courthouse. I read a little.

Hey...what do you know, 2:15 and they aren't ready. They finally let us in about 20 til 3. I get picked this time and we do the whole dance again. Strangely, some people are coming up with new excuses on why they can't serve. Language, sickness, jobs, travel, you name it, they are using it as an excuse. It's pretty pathetic considering they tell you THE FIRST DAY that if you have anything coming up, go and have this jury duty postponed. The judge is starting to get pissed.

Now we're in our seats and people are still coming up with ways to get out of this. It really is shameless. I might as well say my appendix burst at lunch or something these excuses are so bad. But I do let it be known about my previous reservations about the prosecution's main witness. The judge then let's me know that I have to be fair, and I tell her I don't think I can be fair. We then breeze through the rest of the questions and are excused.

I share my frustrations with fellow jury members about what little bitches everyone in there is being. I say I should have told some lie about my grandfather being a grand wizard in the KKK to be on par with the nonsense taking place. We are summoned back into the courtroom and they have finished jury selection. I feel relieved to know I am not picked. We are given our juror cards and sent to the waiting room. We wait about 10 minutes, get our paper work, and we are free to go.

All in all, this experience has been hellish. I don't wish for any of my friends to go through it. Unless they laughed at me for getting jury duty. Then I hope they do get it.

I'll leave you with some tips on how not to be selected for a jury.

1. Appear disinterested. If you look like you don't care now, what will you look like during the case?

2. If you know any lawyers or cops, play that up and how it will affect your ability to be fair.

3. If you don't like or trust cops, talk about that.

4. Make sure whatever you say is real and believable. These judges and lawyers are not fools.

You do that, and you should be kicked off any jury and just have to suffer through 2 days of questioning.

God Doesn't Care About Sports

2008-11-01T21:35:00.001-07:00

As a sports fan over the last 28 years, I have come to find that God does not care about sports. No matter how many players and coaches thank God for their effort, I personally think God has bigger things to tend to.

If God did care about sports...

-teams like the Florida Marlins and Arizona Diamondbacks would have zero championships while teams like the Chicago Cubs and Pittsburgh Pirates would at least compete for them more frequently

-classless pricks like Steve Spurrier and Urban Meyer would have the score run up on them as much as they run it up on other teams

-the Buffalo Bills would have at least gotten ONE out of the four Super Bowls they played in

-Kobe Bryant would never know the taste of championship victory

-attempted murderers like Ray Lewis wouldn't be Super Bowl MVPs, they'd be in jail

-coaches would have some integrity and work their contract and not jump to the next best thing

-Vitor Belfort, the JesusFreak of all MMA, would be undefeated and champion of the world

-maybe he'd let me witness an undefeated UGA season capped off by a national championship just once.

I don't mean to bring this back around to me, but it's plainly true. God does not care about sports. I see guys like Tim Tebow write Phil 4:13 on his face and wonder what God thinks. He's playing a child's game while so much other important things are going on in the world. Sure, in Christ Tebow can do all things that strengthen him, but did God have winning football games in mind when that was written? I hope not.

I was tossing and turning in my bed tonight thinking about this. I wonder what God really thinks about all this. Maybe I should take sports less seriously. In the grand scheme of things, it amounts to grown men acting like boys to entertain other children around the world (some grown children, some actual children). Why do I scream and shout obscenities at a TV when I have zero control over what is taking place? If it's to feel better about myself by associating with a team from my general area...I have to think of a better way to feel better about myself.

In conclusion, I don't think the team with more Christians wins games. So write all the scriptures you want on your eye black, but know that God is probably concerned about more important matters.

Can we do this? Can we care less about this and care about something else more? I hope we can.

Hiatus

2008-06-07T10:13:00.001-07:00

Since I am writing a book this blog will be going on hiatus until further notice. I'll probably post some picks for UFC fights which really only interest me, but we'll see. Hoping to have the book out by this fall. When I get it done, this will resume. Thank you.

MLB 1st Trimester Report

2008-05-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

As a Met fan, for me this season is over. Plenty of people have been telling me "Oh, it's early" and "It's not even the All-Star Break" yet. I don't care. I can tell whether a team has it or not, and this team certainly does not have it. The only guy speaking up is the shaky closer. If David Wright had 5 more years experience he could say something. But he doesn't, so he doesn't. Guys like Carlos Delgado and Carlos Beltran are the biggest bitches I've ever seen play. I'm willing to pay for Aaron Heilman's plane ticket out of town. Seriously.

At least the Yankees are awful too.

The Tampa Bay Rays have been a pleasant surprise so far this season. However, I doubt they'll hang around long considering how green they are. Once the dog days of summer hits you could see this team fade and Boston put it into cruise control.

I like that I was partially right about the Tigers. I didn't think they'd be as good as everyone said, but I certainly didn't think they'd be as bad as they are. Cleveland isn't looking much better. Also my bold prediction for the Mariners isn't quite looking so smart in retrospect either.

Over in the National League I'm looking pretty smart. Except for the whole Mets doing well thing. And the Padres getting the wild card. That won't happen. I'm still sticking with my Boston over Arizona World Series prediction.

Hell's Kitchen Odds

2008-05-29T21:08:00.001-07:00

Okay, finally this is down to a manageable number of competitors. Sadly, I hate mostly everyone on this show right now. There aren't many good cooks it seems like. If anyone seems good, I think it's mostly because everyone else is so crappy. But we must prognosticate and make fun of Jen, so here we go.

Matt

But first, I want to make fun of Matt. This guy makes the best risotto ever, then goes to sweating in pasta. I don't understand what is going on with this guy, but judging from next week's preview he is about to go Looney Tunes on us all. There is no way in Hell ('s kitchen! haha see what I did there) that this guy will win.

Odds: 1,000 to 1

Jen

Now for the other person who has no realistic shot at winning. That is, unless she changes her attitude. She thinks her shit doesn't stink and every now and then Chef Ramsay has to lay down the law. Once Matt is gone she will have nowhere to hide, so she better snap out of it.

Odds: 500 to 1

Petroza

Nice enough dude, but I just don't think he has what it takes.

Odds: 75 to 1

General Bobby

The four star general talks a big game, and he's probably the best male chef there is, but I don't think he has all the other tools needed to win this competition. Who knows though, maybe he'll pull something out of his ass and surprise me. Has he been doing that good, or has everyone else been doing that bad?

Odds: 25 to 1

Corey

The least attractive "attractive" girl on this show ever. But she showed good leadership skills babysitting Matt and teaming up with Christine to get their service done this past week. It all seems to be coming together for her. If she plays her cards right she could be in the final two.

Odds: 5 to 2

Christine

Right now, this is who Vegas has winning. She seems like the best cook back there as well as the smartest. And she is more attractive than Corey. To me it's a close call between both her and Corey right now. I think Christine is definitely in the final two, no matter what.

Odds: 2 to 1

Great Expectations

2008-05-27T16:01:00.000-07:00

No, this is not about the Charles Dickens book. Luckily, I never had to read it. But like I said, this entry isn't about that. It's about how we hype everything up in media (movies, TV, music) and then get disappointed when our expectations are not met. The most popular recent example of this trend would have to be the new Indiana Jones movie. The first two days all I heard was how crappy it was. So I went in expecting it to suck all while recognizing it was just a movie.

I enjoyed myself.

Was it the best Indiana Jones movie? Not by a long shot. Was it as good as something like Temple of Doom? I would say so. Sure there were some corny parts in it and Harrison Ford isn't as spry as he once was, but as an Indiana Jones movie, it held up and was decent. You know why I didn't leave disappointed? My expectations were in the proper place. Whenever you enter an arena with heightened expectations, more likely than not, you are going to be disappointed.

The same thing happened to all these overgrown children before The Phantom Menace was released. They got all stoked about what amounted to a kid's movie and had the gall to wonder why it sucked. So when you expect to see something great next time, take your expectations down a little lower. It'll help you to not leave the movie theater pissed off and angry at the world.

The Ultimate Fighter: Quarterfinal Previews

2008-05-25T05:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many people watch this show. I don't really care, because this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want. I love the UFC and any red-blooded male should feel the same. The reality show of the UFC is getting interesting due to the quarterfinal pairings. I'm going to break down each fight and give my predictions.

CB Dolloway vs Cale Yarborough

Cale is the 1st sacrificial lamb of the quarterfinal matchups. Whenever there are 16 fighters in one competition there are bound to be a couple of guys a notch below the best guys. Cale is a notch below CB. I look for CB to take Cale down and pound on him and have the referee pull him off. If Cale can stuff the takedown and keep it standing, he's got a punchers chance. Otherwise, this could get ugly fast.

Dolloway over Yarborough by TKO in 1st rd

Jesse Taylor vs Dante Rivera

Dante put on one of the more boring fights in the first round. Jesse is famous for puking right after his first fight (and for being my 2nd cousin). I wasn't impressed by Dante at all and could say he arguably lost his prelim fight. Jesse was gorilla strong in his first fight and will most likely outwork Dante to a unanimous decision.

Taylor over Rivera by Unanimous Decision

Amir Sadollah vs Matt Brown

Two of my favorite fighters in the house. This is going to be a war. Matt likes to bang and Amir will not quit and has some explosive strikes. This one is going to come down to who doesn't get caught. Personally I think Amir will avoid getting caught in this one.

Sadollah over Brown by TKO in 2nd rd

Tim Credeur vs Dan Cramer

Sacrificial lamb fight 2. Clearly they are trying to set up Credeur/Dolloway in the finals. Cramer didn't run out of gas in his first fight and was able to finish his guy. Credeur should get this to the ground and jits his way to an easy victory.

Credeur over Cramer by submission in the 1st rd

What I would like to see is Sadollah/Taylor and Credeur/Dolloway in the semis. Don't know if we will though. Heck, I could get every one of these picks wrong. All I know is business is picking up on The Ultimate Fighter.

Tito's Last Stand

2008-05-23T09:04:00.001-07:00

It's been widely reported that this will be Tito Ortiz's last fight for the UFC. Personally, I'm not that heartbroken. For the last two years, Tito has been great at talking the talk, but when those cage doors close, he can't walk the walk. Since he came back from a lengthy layoff he has barely beat Forrest Griffin, destroyed a washed up Ken Shamrock twice, lost to Chuck Liddell, and went to a draw with overrated Rashad Evans.

So when he starts talking about how he's never coming back to the UFC, I can't say that I'm overly disappointed. Tomorrow night he is facing high rising Lyoto Machida. Machida is probably going to win and it's probably not going to be pretty. However, there is the outside chance that Tito hands this guy his first loss and goes out on a high note. That small possibility is really the only thing interesting in this fight. Otherwise it looks like it could be another boring Tito fight.

The sad fact is, Tito is better than this. I've seen him utterly maul some guys. He picks them up, puts them on their head, and beats the crap out of their face. His cardio was second to none and his takedown defense was spectacular. For whatever reason, it seems the old Tito is gone. This is his last chance to prove me wrong. Unfortunately, I think I'm right.

Predictions for UFC 84
BJ Penn over Sean Sherk by submission in the 3rd rd
Lyoto Machida over Tito Ortiz by Unanimous Decision
Wanderlei Silva over Keith Jardine by KO in the 2nd rd
Thiago Silva over debutant by TKO in the 1st rd
Wilson Gouveia over debutant by TKO in the 3rd rd

Things I'd Like To Do, But Likely Never Will

2008-05-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

In New York City in the warmer times you will see many people eating outside. Sometimes this is nice in the spring on a rare occasion, but for the most part kind of silly. The reason I bring it up is because it helps add to the canon of things I would like to do, but likely never will. It isn't eating outside, because I don't really want to do that, and I likely will at one point. Or I'm sure I have and the memory is just escaping me.

3. I want to walk by someone eating outside and grab something off their plate and eat it. Now I wouldn't take a half a sandwich or a piece of steak or their drink. It would be something simple and small, like a few french fries or a dinner roll. I think it would be funny because what would these people do really? Get up and run after me? Make me spit the food out? Seriously, they would have to just sit there in shock. There is nothing funnier than watching someone dumbfounded and speechless.

The Bachelor Wrapup

2008-05-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

Looks like I was right originally in picking Shayne to win Matt's heart. But I was wrong in the lack of suspense. I really thought Chelsea was going to make it happen. I want to be shallow and say that Shayne is better in bed then Chelsea was, but I think it was more than that. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe that's all it was. Like all things in life, it was probably a little bit of both.

What this show proves unequivocally is that women are crazy. This show literally makes women crazy. Or they only show how crazy they really are. These girls seem so normal and then the moment they are jilted it's "RAWR" and the claws come out. Chelsea saying Shayne was "the fakest person here" was telling. Never once had she said anything about Shayne the whole season. Was she expecting Matt to change his mind on the walk back to the limo? You know what Chelsea, you're right. She is the fakest person here. I was wrong. Will you marry me?

The sad part is that lonely ride in the limo when these women probably want to be alone and there is some dude (or woman) with a camera in their face urging them to say something about what happened. They start off with talking about how this ALWAYS happens to them when I'm sure there are at least 3 guys out there who could recall a time when the female in the limo did something similar to them. Also, last night we got Chelsea saying "He's a fool. He's a fool." And if he was, would that change anything? If Matt and Shayne don't work out (and they probably won't) will that make Chelsea feel any better that she got dissed over her? I don't necessarily have answers to all these questions, I just find them pertinent in understanding the female psyche.

At the end of the day, we all want to be loved. None of us like it when we put ourselves out there only to be brushed away for someone else. It only makes it worse when we try to find love in front of millions of people. There's really no way to come off well unless that love you find is reciprocated. Then women at home can live vicariously through these brave women who risk their reputation to find something real when all they really find is a bunch of annoying people noticing them wherever they go.

If you think I'm going to watch the madness next season...you know me too well.

Summer Movie Preview Part 2

2008-05-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is the good news part of the preview. Here are a few movies I'm really looking forward to this summer.

1. You Don't Mess With The Zohan. On the surface, this looks like a stupid Adam Sandler movie. Except for the part that Judd Apatow co-wrote it. When Apatow is involved, I'm involved...no matter what. Look at the guy's resume. He cannot miss. Almost everything he's done has been something at the very least I liked. So I'm checking this out.

2. The Incredible Hulk. This time around it looks like they did it the right way. After X-Men and Spiderman, Hulk is my guy, so I'm pretty excited to see this.

3. Wall-E. Pixar can do no wrong either.

4. Hancock. Will Smith is on a roll right now. I've enjoyed his last two movies and this movie looks like a great spin on what is quickly becoming a tired genre, the superhero film. Will Smith can do funny. Jason Bateman is also in this so it looks like it will deliver the laughs. Plus, the guy who directed Friday Night LIghts and The Kingdom is doing it so I know it's in good hands.

5. The Dark Knight. Probably the one I'm looking forward to the most. Heath Ledger really became the Joker. Add that with Christian Bale being the best Batman/Bruce Wayne ever, we are all in for a great treat.

6. Step Brothers. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are comedic gold.

7. Pineapple Express. The guys who wrote Superbad are back. Superbad is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Also, this falls under the Apatow principle. Just good things all around.

8. Tropic Thunder. Just for Robert Downey, Jr. playing a white guy playing a black guy.

9. Hamlet 2. I don't want to explain this movie. Just watch the preview and believe.

10. The Strangers. The summer horror flick. This one looks way intense. Just that scene where it's all quiet and Liv Tyler is looking in the distance and that freakazoid with the potato sack over his head steps out. Creeps me out every time. Can't wait to watch it in Times Square with all the other peeps freaking out.

Those are the ones I"m most looking forward to. I'm being careful with Indiana Jones. I don't want to get too excited knowing that George Lucas has lost his fastball in recent years. I was looking forward to Iron Man but as you can see, I already saw that one.

Summer Movie Preview Part 1

2008-05-09T09:20:00.001-07:00

Okay, so after a little vacation I have returned. I know technically the summer movie season started last week with Iron Man, but I was on vacation. So I'm writing this now. I'm going to break it up into two parts. Movies I want to see and movies I don't want to see. For those people who like their bad news before they get their good news, I'm going to talk about the movies I will not be seeing this summer.

1. Prince Caspian. I am just not a Narnia guy. Maybe if I read the books as a kid it might have happened. Although I do remember watching The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe in my 4th grade and not getting into it. So maybe that's it. Regardless, I have absolutely no interest in seeing this.

2. Sex in The City. I have a penis. That should be enough explanation as to why I don't want to see this movie.

3. The Love Guru. I used to be a big Mike Myers fan. I don't know what happened. I still enjoy all the Austin Powers movies. At least I think I do, I haven't seen one in a while. But I see these previews and I just don't laugh much. Although the most recent preview of this looked pretty funny. Well, I giggled anyway. If anything, this is a wait til Netflix.

4. Hellboy 2. Not a fan.

5. Journey to the Center of the Earth. Brendan Fraser hasn't done anything good since School Ties.

6. Meet Dave. Eddie Murphy hasn't been funny in a while. I enjoyed parts of Norbit, but this movie looks really really dumb. And now that I know Elizabeth Banks isn't hot anymore, even that can't get me to go.

7. Mama Mia. I'm not a fan of musicals. I'm not a fan of musicals in any shape or form. So obviously I'm not going to see this.

8. Space Chimps. I have no clue what this is about. But I'm judging a book by its cover here and guessing I won't be going to see Space Chimps.

9. X-Files movie. Whatever they're going to call it. I have no interest. I only liked watching the TV show when it had to do with aliens. Then when it did deal with aliens, it never really delivered. It would be some cliffhanger and then I'd have to watch 6 more episodes to find out what happened. So after that first season I just quit watching. By the time the movie came out I really didn't care to see that. So obviously my mind hasn't changed in 10 years.

10. The Mummy. They made another one of these?! The next Mummy I see will be the first Mummy I see. See above for my opinion about Brendan Fraser.

I think that's a good enough list. I obviously am not going to see The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants 2, but after reading those above ten entries, you should know that by now. Look for the ten I'm most looking forward to sometime later.

So Maybe I'm Wrong...

2008-04-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

Maybe Shayne doesn't win the Bachelor. I was doing some amateur detective work and that now looks to me like Chelsea's hand that he's holding. I'm still shocked that he sent Amanda home instead of Chelsea. Here are some other notes from what amounted to an amazing episode.

1. Amanda must have put out if she had that look on her face. It was fun to watch Matt fumble around for the right words to say to her as he was giving her the boot. She was really really pissed at him.

2. I felt like I was watching a soft-core porno when Chelsea was putting on that lingerie. I always feel uncomfortable during these moments because there are certain things America just shouldn't see. This was one of them.

3. Also epic was Amanda's jaw dropping after she heard Matt call Chelsea's name. That got the ol' rewind from me.

4. The more I see of Shayne, the more it seems like all she's got going for her is her looks. She says she is smart, but I have yet to see evidence of it. I believe her when she says she plays the dumb blonde, but it doesn't hurt to get a little evidence to the contrary.

That's all I got for now. Going out of town on Wednesday and where I'm going they don't have internet. So I'll be updating this when I get back.

Things I'd LIke To Do, But Likely Never Will

2008-04-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

This is a new feature I'm going to be doing from time to time. Every now and then I want to do something, but I just don't have the balls to do it. I like to think that I have the balls to do it, but I just don't. Another thing is, I'm not sure I ever will. I'd like to think that maybe one day I will, but until then, I'll have to live vicariously through this blog listing.

1. One day, when a car pulls into the crosswalk and can't move forward...I want to climb and walk on their car as if they weren't there. You know, like the front of the car is in the crosswalk, and once I get the OK to walk, I just step up, walk on the hood of their car, then hop down. Ideally, I'd do this to someone in a really nice car. The thing that keeps me from doing this is the fact that they would totally get out of their car and either beat my ass or make me pay for the damage.

2. Throw a molotov cocktail. For those not in the know, a molotov cocktail is a rag placed in a bottle of alcohol, then you light the rag, and throw it like a grenade. Then it makes a big explosion. Basically fireworks for grownups. I think maybe one day I could do this, but I'd have to be really bored and feel really stupid. Otherwise I'd probably get in trouble. Sometimes guys just need to blow stuff up.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll come up with more later.

This Is Who Will Win The Bachelor

2008-04-22T16:32:00.001-07:00

I guess you couldn't call it winning. It's a "marriage" we're talking about here. Let's not mince words here, let's just talk about the show.

I've decided the odds gimmick doesn't work for this show like it does/did for Rock of Love. I just know those chicks more where here they have been blazing through episodes and I really don't know much about these girls. Last night's episode was good. I really enjoyed the fake parents and the Bachelor doing his best not to upset everyone. I got a good laugh out of that one.

I was thoroughly intrigued at who he was going to pick. It seems like a tough choice because all the remaining girls seem really cool. But when I saw the preview of him proposing, I now know who is going to win his heart. It's Shayne. I saw that hand and that was definitely her hand. It was too light of a complexion to be Amanda's hand and it looked nothing like Chelsea's hand. Next week Chelsea is going to miss out on getting a rose. Then Shayne is getting proposed to.

I'm kind of bummed because it was really starting to get interesting. I suppose you could say that Shayne had enough faith that the Bachelor would come through. If I'm wrong, you can get your money back for this blog entry.

Daisy Doesn't Get it

2008-04-21T11:01:00.001-07:00

Here is your Rock of Love wrapup. I feel like the reunion show could really show more. I watched the hour show in about 30 minutes just because I fast forwarded through all of the recaps. Here are some thoughts on the wrapup show of one of the best shows on VH1.

-For some strange reason that crazy French chick looked more normal this time around. She must have just gotten her lips puffed up before she came on the show.

-Didn't see the second token black chick anywhere. Guess she really wasn't there for Bret.

-I love Destiney's "I only spent two hours with Bret in the month I was there." That's your fault. You gotta MAKE time. How else do you think Kristy Joe stayed there so long? I have a feeling somewhere, some rocker dude isn't complaining that he gets to bang her now though.

-Seeing that Kristy Joe is back with her ex kinda sucked. Made me not like her as much. Then when everyone started ganging up on her again I started feeling for her. But that didn't last long.

-I also love how Daisy complained that she got the 3rd degree while Kristy Joe got a free pass. Hey genius! When you were getting the 3rd degree there weren't as many girls on the show, so there was less to show. Also, Kristy Joe was always honest and talked about her situation, you just tiptoed around yours and made it seem like there was always another secret.

-I love even more how Daisy complained that Bret only liked her cause she was sexy. This just proves how dumb you are. If you had something to offer other than sex, we would have seen it sometime in the season. But we didn't. Now you're sitting in one of those bar tables watching the madness ensue.

-I did enjoy the fight between Heather and Daisy. That wasn't no fake crap either, you could really tell they don't like each other. You could also tell that Daisy doesn't know how to fight. Oh how I was hoping that those hair extensions would come flying out. I was denied however.

-It really looks like Bret made the right choice with Ambre. She's older, has a career, is her own person. Is it sad that I hope they make it? Am I getting soft in my old age? Bret Michaels just made me a believer. He seems like a genuine dude. Whatever. If it does work, that means no more Rock of Love...which would suck. But I'm sure there's some washed up rocker wanting to get some easy sex. Is the lead singer of Ratt single?

Music Sucks These Days

2008-04-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I said it. Music sucks these days. This year I've bought two new albums. This year is a quarter of the way through and I've only bought two albums of all brand new music. Counting Crows' new album and Leona Lewis' new album. And I like the Leona Lewis album more. The me 7 years ago just got really pissed off at the me now. But I'm sorry me from 7 years ago, if you knew how bad it was really going to get...you'd understand.

I suppose the question is...why does music suck?

One answer would be the domination of the single culture. Not marital status, but a single sent to radio. Record companies want to hear singles. That way they can get on radio, sell the single to a TV show, sell a ringtone, in the hopes of selling an album. This is stupid. If you only make four good singles, then fill it with six crap songs, no one is going to buy an album, they're just going to go to iTunes and buy the single. Or worse yet, they're just going to illegally download the single. So not only are you making crap records, you're making a bad business model also.

I think that's part of the reason why music sucks. Another reason is no one cares about making careers, they only want to make money. Record companies don't care about nurturing careers, they care about nurturing the bottom line. If your newest album doesn't sell, they cut you loose and find someone who will sell. Great bands like U2 and Red Hot Chili Peppers would never make it today, cause they'd never be afforded the chances to grow into their sound and learn about who they are. They'd just be expected to sell, sell, sell.

But I don't think that's the main reason why music sucks today. I think the number one reason is for most of these people, making music is just a hobby. It isn't a do or die proposition for most of these people. If a band doesn't make it after an album or two, they quit, go back to school, or take a studio job or something else. For the most part they go into something that is semi-successful, just not super famous. Take a look at a group like The Jacksons in the late 60's/early 70's. It really seemed like if they didn't have music, they would have nothing. They'd just be just another bunch of guys eking a way out of life. Music changed everything for them. You can't say the same for groups today.

Music can make you dance. It can put a hop in your step or make you skip down the sidewalk. It can make you love someone. It can make you appreciate something you never have before. It can make you want to run very fast while screaming at the top of your lungs. It can make you step on the gas of your motor vehicle and roll the windows down. It can make you feel better when you're sad and it can be your confidant when you feel all alone. Unfortunately, the music today...all it makes me want to do is turn it off.

Retribution for St. Pierre?

2008-04-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

We have a huge UFC card this weekend in Montreal, Canada. We're going to see the rematch of Matt Serra and Georges St. Pierre for the unification of the welterweight title. This one should be a doozy. Despite being the reigning champion, Matt Serra is the underdog in this fight again. GSP has been on a tear walking through Josh Koscheck and annihilating Matt Hughes. The question remains...who will win?

On one hand, GSP has never looked better. He is healthy and focused. He wants his belt back and won't let anything get in the way. He has a decent trainer and gameplanner and he has the eye of the tiger again. His first go-round with Matt Serra he probably took him a little lightly, and got his ass knocked out for it. I can assure you he will not take him lightly this time around and will be ready for whatever.

On the other hand, Matt Serra is the champ. I've never seen him get his ass kicked in a UFC fight and don't expect it to start now. He is a wizard on the ground and if GSP takes it there, he could be submitted. He's also dangerous standing up, considering he knocked out GSP the first time they fought. He likes being the underdog, and that is certainly what he is. We know he has what it takes to shock the world once, but it remains to be seen if he can do it again.

I see this fight being a standup battle. GSP will know not to go to the ground and his length advantage should keep Serra at bay. I expect a close decision victory for GSP in a five round war. Here are my predicks for the other fights...

Rich Franklin over Travis Lutter by TKO in the 2nd round
Michael Bisping over Charles McCarthy by TKO in the 1st round
Kalib Starnes over Nate Quarry by Unanimous Decision
Mac Danzig over Mark Bocek by Submission in the 2nd round

Real World Hollywood: Meet The Cast

2008-04-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

Every year I say I'm going to stop watching this show. I'm a lot older than most of the people on it. I usually relate with none of the people. I find them all reprehensible human beings that only want a quick shot at fame that they will never really have. Oh they'll be famous, but in the worst way. As Klosterman says, "You're famous enough to be recognized in places like Burger King, but still eat at places like Burger King." So that part annoys me.

But every time I'm out, they pull me back in. Bastards. So yes, I'm watching this season. Yes this is another TV show I'll be blogging about from time to time. Sorry, there isn't much else interesting going on in the pop culture canon. Maybe when a movie I like comes out I'll blog about that. In the meantime, let's take a closer look at the seven strangers.

Joey

He's the brunette meathead. He's really buff and stuff and seems to have zero sense of humor. I don't like him already. When he wore that tank top in the hot tub and Greg called him out on it, I thought it was hilarious. I mean, it's not like the guy has a bad body (they stopped putting ugly people on this show after London). Go ahead and take your shirt off and maybe one of these skanks will want to sleep with you. I also love the foreshadowing of anger issues and some kind of relationship with Brianna.

Kimberly

Not that pretty. Kind of dumb. Wants to be an entertainment reporter, but what she really wants to do is read Us Weekly for the rest of her life. Right now she seems totally uninteresting. Let's hope that changes. Although I guess there is always someone who is boring.

Dave

He's the blonde meathead. He's going to be this season's "guy who hooks up with any chick that moves." He seems pretty laid back and doesn't want to start any trouble. The over/under on girls he is going to sleep with is currently set at 7.

Sarah

One episode in and she's already walking the line in her relationship and coming perilously close to crossing it. This chick is annoying me too. Not because she will eventually drunkenly cheat on her boyfriend with somebody. But because she's going to be a broadcast journalist. She basically wants to be Veronica Corningstone and she has sooooo much "passion" for it. Gag me.

Kevin

The first black guy. He spends the first half hour wanting to bone Brianna, then when he finds out she's a stripper all of a sudden she's damaged goods. Good to know you're so sensitive. Then you try to hook up with the girl that has a boyfriend. Real standup guy this one. He can breakdance well though.

Brianna

She was on American Idol on season 5. This is what it comes to. Too many freaking reality shows that they are starting to cross-pollinate. Anyway she's a mulatto who has a temper and will hook up with meathead Joey very soon. She's a stripper. Kevin tried to get with her first, but bugged out when he found out she was a stripper. In danger of possibly getting kicked off the show for slapping someone.

Greg

My favorite guy in the house. Soon as he sees a line at a club he peaces out. I loved that. Then he's responsible for the greatest line uttered on episode 1: "None of these girls are hot." He's right. None of these girls are that hot. I like that he doesn't want any friends...he only wants associates. I like the noun peasants he uses. I may have to adopt that. No one likes him and it looks like Kevin may punch him out. I can only hope that this guy Greg ends up on many many Real World/Road Rules challenges.

So there they are. Now I can't wait to see what happens when they stop being polite, and start getting real.

Are We Already At The Final Four?

2008-04-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

Okay, first...I'll do a final wrapup of Rock of Love II next week after the reunion show. I am happy Ambre won. And if you take a look at my early season odds, I pegged her correctly. I feel good about this. Afterwards I wanted to curl up into a ball and eat a bunch of ice cream.

But let's get to The Bachelor. HUGE upset by sending Robin home tonight. I was not expecting that at all. I was expecting Marshawna to go home, as much as I wanted to see this proper gentleman walking the streets of Bed-Stuy, it was not meant to be. But I could not believe Robin didn't make the cut this week. However we do get to see the Renegade himself Lorenzo Lamas next week. Which will have to make up for the lack of Brooklyn.

Let's prognosticate...

Shayne

Still my favorite. Although when she whipped out that makeup case on the slopes I got a little worried. You know a tube of lipgloss is fine I suppose, but a big ol' brush? Are you kidding me?! It was funny and scary all at the same time. Sometimes I think this girl is the smartest person in the house even though she is 22. Then other times I think she's the nuttiest. She's got a one in four chance at this point and I have to like her chances.

OFHDBMG: 2-1

Noelle

Oops. Probably shouldn't have made those odds so high last week. She came to play. Still don't feel like I know anything about her, but she did seem relatively cute this week. I was shocked she found her way in. But she did. And that line just came waaaaay down.

OFHDBMG: 15-1

Chelsea

I like this girl more each week. She looks like the most fun to hang out with. And you know what, now that she mentions it, I think I prefer the arm locking to the hand holding myself. While I'm not too sure about that, she makes me want to believe it. She rose above Marshawna doing her Brooklyn freakout and not letting it bother her. She's going to have to get romantic (basic cable for "put out") if she wants to hang out though. I think she'll rise up to the challenge.

OFHDBMG: 10-8

Amanda

No hiccups this week. I was a little disappointed. I was also shocked that he picked her over Robin. But then again he did say that she was his physical ideal. I don't feel like I know anything about her. Maybe I should pay attention when she's talking and not make hiccup noises. Although I will enjoy her mom rubbing the Bachelor's nipple next week.

OFHDBMG: 15-1

Things That Annoy Me 39-41

2008-04-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

39. Canadians. At first glance, Canada seems like an okay place. Free healthcare, nice people, all that stereotypical stuff. I have a beef with the people though. I get annoyed at how they looooove being from Canada. It's like the first thing out of their mouths. Eh, I'm from Canada! They always want to distinguish that they are NOT American and ARE Canadian. As if being confused as an American is soooo bad. All your country ever gave us was hockey...and that isn't that great. So simmer down for the time being.

40. The dudes who buy a brand new hat and leave all the stickers on them. Take the sticker off, you look freaking stupid. You got the receipt too so you can take it back? I'm fine with you not creasing the bill and wearing it like your rap hero wears it and wearing it all woppajaw on your noggin. I'm even fine with you wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates hat or a St. Louis Cardinals hat when you couldn't name one player's last name on either team. I am not fine with you leaving the sticker on it though. When you buy a new tshirt that's 3 sizes too big, do you leave that tag on too? Didn't think so.

41. Construction. Particularly of the road variety. In NYC, the subway variety.

41a. These loud dudes banging hammers and having little regard for the people around them. I understand the noise from tools and whatnot, but keep the shouting down.

41b. Road construction sucks. And it is always going on. And why does it take so long? You're telling me it takes 5 years to pave some roads and paint some lines on it? Why are they always out there? I remember where I grew up they took five years to finish expanding a road. What were you doing all that time? Honestly? After that long it looks weird NOT seeing anyone on the road.

41c. In the subways they work on the same track line for years. What exactly are you all doing down there and why does it take so long? Does it honestly take 2 years? This island isn't THAT big. The worst is when it makes an express train stop at every stop. The overtime payouts must be what makes everyone take their sweet time. How's about we give them a date, and if they beat that date, they get a huge bonus. Or is that too good of an idea?

The Bachelor: The Odds are Here

2008-04-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe the black girl is still on this show. I don't know how much longer she can last. She's got some tough competition and a short fuse. Not a good combination. This season has been spectacular and I'm going to delve into the odds. I may use this show to delve into the utter craziness of women, but I may put that on my myspace blog. Time to prognosticate.

Shayne

My favorite in the house. Mostly because of her looks. You can tell that the Bachelor likes this one because he always slips her the tongue. She's hands down the most beautiful girl in the house. She has to play it classy because the Bachelor has shown that he's not a fan of the non-classy. If anything, please let her stay until they meet the parents. I MUST see Lorenzo Lamas on this show.

Odds on Fulfilling Her Dream of Marrying a British Gentleman (OFHDMBG): 2-1

Noelle

Gone either this week or next week. All I know about her is that she's a photographer from Colorado

OFHDMBG: 500-1

Robin

This is the girl we like to call small town hot. In her small town of Michigan, she's probably one of the hottest five girls in the entire place. On this show, she's barely in the top 5 (there are only six girls left...see what I did there). It obviously doesn't matter as much because the Bachelor likes her quite a bit. And she's doing the good faux British thing. I just think the Bachelor wants to slay someone really hot

OFHDMBG: 5-2

Chelsea

A strong number 2 to Shayne. She's very cute and seems like a fun chick to hang around. I am a little worried about next week though with the "I don't even like holding hands" and the fight with Marshawna. If she can make it through all of that, she has a strong chance to marry and English Gentleman

OFHDMBG: 25-1

Marshawna

The black entry. After the first week I swore her name was Rashida. She is defying the odds right now. She went on a tough double date with Holly and sent that children's book author home crying. Way to go. Her attitude be on the stank side, but that's Brooklyn for you. She's in uncharted territory right now, but I think she's gone in the next two weeks.

OFHDMBG: 150-1

Amanda

This is the one that gets the hiccups every time she gets nervous. That's got to get annoying. She's not done much so far, but it's working. And she's still around after getting the first impression rose. Right now she can play it fairly safe and let these other chicks go crazy. But she's going to have to turn it on when these other girls who are more attractive start "falling" for this dude.

OFHDMBG: 15-1

Rock of Love II: Final Odds

2008-04-07T12:14:00.001-07:00

Not as much drama with the parentals this time around. One set of parents wasn't even there. One was about to die so he wasn't going to get all uppity. Anyway, Destiney is now gone as she made it supremely clear that she was just there for the party and it could have been Jani Lane or Dee Snider and it wouldn't have made a difference. So now we are left with just two girls.

Daisy

She's got a walk in closet full of skeletons...Bret said it best. But she's got overly large funbags and a put out personality. If you are Bret Michaels that is attractive. He tried to go serious last year and he got burned, so that may mean he will take Daisy. Personally, I don't know why he would go with her. That voice would drive me bonkers. And she really doesn't seem that interesting at all. Stranger things have happened though. She's got the inside track.

Odds on Being Bret's Rock of Love: 2-1

Ambre

What a strange trip this one has been on. She was on her way to being out of the house THE FIRST NIGHT. Now here she is in the final two and she very well could win the whole damn thing. She finally came clean about her age (37, not 32). Her only shot at winning is to simultaneously play up the stable part of her life while putting out for Bret. That's her only shot because Daisy looks poised to win this thing. We shall see, but right now my money is on Daisy.

Odds on Being Bret's Rock of Love: 5-2

What If?

2008-04-04T06:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my friend Kenny has thrown the gauntlet. He made a salient point about how in the last month I've only written about TV shows and baseball. I guess I let myself get a little lazy as these TV shows provide such good fodder. So for most of the day yesterday I was racking my brain thinking about what I could write about that didn't involve the previously mentioned items. So I came up with an idea of "What If?" questions where I take a look at something and how it would be different if something else had happened. Yes, I borrowed the idea from Bill Simmons, but I won't use it to talk about sports. Here we go.

What if Tobey Maguire wasn't cast as Spiderman/Peter Parker?

I can remember at first loving the decision when it was made back in the summer of 2000. I thought it was perfect. At the time I really thought he was a good actor (and I suppose he still is) and was definitely nerdy enough to play Peter Parker. Which he is/was. He definitely has the look. Then he worked out enough to where you'd believe he could do some of that acrobatic stuff he did.

What I didn't know was how he totally lacked Peter's sense of humor. Maguire just wasn't funny and couldn't really deliver those classic Parker witticisms. By the second movie they felt tired or they didn't try. So back to the question, I'm wondering what if Topher Grace has been cast as Spiderman/Peter Parker. It isn't totally out of the realm of possibility. That 70's Show was a decent sized hit at the time and he completely fits the mold. He also has a natural sense of humor and could have made those one liners work.

Now, no matter what, the movie(s) still would have been huge. They still would be a raging success. Basically I am wondering would I have liked them more. I think no matter who you put in them, they still would have sucked. Looking back, the writing was really atrocious. The movies just weren't any good. By the time the third movie rolled around, it was just sad. And Tobey Maguire couldn't have saved it, nor could have Topher Grace if he would have replaced Maguire.

But if Grace had replaced Maguire, he'd be the huge star right now. All the talk about him being the next Tom Hanks would probably be truer. I still think he has that capability. Also if he does these movies, he probably leaves That 70's Show earlier and we lose his best movie so far, In Good Company and lose his worst movie so far, Win a Date With Tad Hamilton.

Final summation: If Tobey Maguire wasn't cast as Spiderman/Peter Parker...he'd be a little less famous. What really had to change first was the writing.

Hell's Kitchen: Initial Thoughts

2008-04-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

My favorite summer TV show has been bumped up to spring. I blame the writer's strike for this. But I suppose I could also blame Fox's crappy record at developing TV shows. Hey Fox, remember how you had Judd Apatow's Undeclared...a hilarious show about college life with future star Seth Rogen. Oops...bet ya wish you had that one back. Bastards.

Anyway, we're not here to talk about all the good shows that could be on Fox right now (cause I'd be here the rest of the month), we're here to talk about Hell's Kitchen and some of my initial thoughts. Here they are:

1. The four star general looked like a four star screwup tonight. This is one of those guys that talks the talk, but when it comes to actual cooking, he sucks. Think Josh last year. You know, that curly haired crap cook who made serious faces every time someone said his name. Then he somehow sneaked his way into the final five and got eliminated from the show DURING SERVICE. Yeah Private Bobby, you have a similar fate.

2. I was a little sad that Dominic was the first to go. I was looking forward to a full season of making "Sweetchuck" jokes and no one getting them.

3. Not many attractive girls this season. But we do have another one that THINKS they are attractive, but really isn't. You know, like Melissa last year who had that tumor on her chin. I don't know this girl's name yet, but she was sucking at the risotto.

4. And we have another lady who looks like she could be working at the Waffle House. That was fun last year.

5. It took me half the show to figure out if Louross was a man or a woman.

6. That New Yorker chick is going to get on my nerves. Just sucks she's actually a good cook and a good leader it seems.

That's it for now. As with the Bachelor, when this gets down to a manageable number and I have the names memorized (whichever comes first) I'll start posting fake odds because that seems like a decent enough gimmick. The Bachelor is down to 9 girls and I couldn't remember all their names. I'm going to try again from memory: Robin, Chelsea, Shayne, Kelly, Noelle, Marshawna (who I thought was called Rashida), Holly (is that right?), and that was all I could get without google. Amanda and Ashlee are the others.

So look for those odds next week.

The Treacherous Trio

2008-04-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

And then there were three. So was I right or was I right? Exactly. You might as well call me Kasey Michaels at this point cause I know exactly what Bret is going to do. I didn't think it was possible, but I like Daisy less and less every week on this show. Seriously, she finds new ways for me to not like her. I mean, I don't really like any of these girls...but Daisy takes the cake. Although she does offer some great comedy every time she starts bawling right before she agrees to stay and rock Bret's world.

It's getting serious now, so let's prognosticate...

Daisy

She's this year's Lacey. Although her boobs are way bigger and she keeps trading with Ambre for the inside track to Bret's heart. However when she brought up that she knows CC DeVille, that gave me pause. Will Bret look past this? Hard to say. If I were Ambre or Destiney, I would just keep picking at Daisy's cracks and keep hoping that she breaks. Cause right now, Daisy is taking this thing.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: EVEN

Ambre

She played it smart needling Daisy at that dinner. She keeps playing it smart and staying above the fray. Now the party girl is going to have to come out. Or rather, she's going to have to put out. We know Daisy puts out and Bret needs that Ambre will put out. If he doesn't know that, he will put her out (see what I did there?)

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 2-1

Destiney

Oh so close to expulsion. That temper almost cost her a spot. Now she needs to get down to business...the business of boning Bret. Her and Daisy are basically the same person at this point: Crazy groupies. At this point it's either her or Daisy with Daisy having the slight advantage. She better be quick in showing Bret that she's cool and laid back or the tour is going to end very soon.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 5-2

Raining on Juno's Parade

2008-03-30T04:19:00.000-07:00

Ah, the movie Juno. The little movie that could. A small independent feature from former stripper Diablo Cody and acclaimed director of Thank You For Smoking Jason Reitman. By now you've either seen it or know the story, so I'm not going to rehash it here. It's a little independent movie that caught on with America and made it huge. It was nominated for quite a few Oscars and even won one for Cody.

But here's the thing...it wasn't THAT good.

Sure it was good. Some parts were funny and made me laugh. Michael Cera and Jason Bateman and J.K. Simmons did very good in their roles. Jason Reitman does good work. What got to me is when it started getting nominated for Oscars like Best Film and Best Actress for Ellen Page. Is everyone taking crazy pills? It certainly wasn't Best Film territory. Also, Ellen Page didn't do anything that Lindsey Lohan couldn't have done (assuming she was still on the wagon). Add that to the fact some interviews with Ms. Page have shown her to be one of the most pretentious actresses in Hollywood haven't helped my opinion of her.

Also I've been seeing the DVD preview of this movie before I go see a new movie the last couple of weeks and it only further proves my point. Nothing annoys me more than watching supporting actress Olivia Thirlby explaining how teenagers have great senses of humor. No they don't. I can't recall the last time a teenager made me laugh. Well, maybe Seth Rogen when he was a teenager, but he's an exception to the rule and that was 10 years ago almost.

I'm not saying don't see it, it is definitely worth seeing once. What I am saying is don't add it to the canon of great independent movies like Wes Anderson's films or Noah Baumbach's good films. They are not the same.

Sayonara Sylvia

2008-03-28T21:57:00.001-07:00

Patrick Murphy will be the happiest to hear this...Tim Sylvia has left the UFC and signed with a fledgeling promotion. I also think I can speak for Mr. Murphy when I say "Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya."

Seriously, I will not miss Tim Sylvia in the UFC. He was one of those guys who would talk so much smack, then proceed to put on a boring fight. He was a guy who should have been destroying his opponents, but always found an excuse as to why he wasn't. He talked a big game, but he fought a much, much smaller one. Let's have a look at his fights in the UFC over the last 3 years shall we?

Jan 2005--Submission loss to Andrei Arlovski
Aug 2005--KO win over Tra Tellingman
Jan 2006--Unanimous Decision over Assuerio Silva
April 2006--KO win over Andrei Arlovski
July 2006--Unanimous Decision over Andrei Arlovski
Nov 2006--Unanimous Decision over Jeff Monson
March 2007--Unanimous Decision loss to Randy Couture
Oct 2007--Unanimous Decision over Brandon Vera
Feb 2008--Submission loss to Minotauro Nogueia

Notice a pattern here? Yeah a bunch of decision victories. I will grant him that most of them were decisive victories, but none of those victories were exciting. He came up with a laundry list of excuses as to why he couldn't knock a guy out or finish him off. After a while it was all just a bunch of crap. His most exciting fights were against Tellingman who is not in Sylvia's class and the second fight with Arlovski where he got tagged 30 seconds before getting lucky with a right against Arlovski.

Not only that, but he got beat by an ancient Randy Couture. He had no business losing that fight, but he found a way. Now he's got the balls to complain that Brock Lesnar is making more money than him. Guess what you big oaf...Brock Lesnar is bringing more people to the PPV than you ever did or ever will. That's why he's making more money, because he makes more money for the company. Simple economics. If you actually knocked out all these guys you said you would knock out, you wouldn't even be in this position because the UFC would do anything they could to keep you.

Instead, you're going to a crap promotion that will probably fold in a year and you'll be slumming it in EliteXC or Strikeforce wishing you still were fighting at the big shows. And I hope on that day Brock Lesnar has the UFC Heavyweight title just to shove it in your fat face you turd.

And if you think I'd never say this to his face, you are correct.

The Fearsome Foursome

2008-03-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

I miss this show too much. Those two weeks without it was quite tortuous. But it has come back with a vengeance with a super episode featuring all the exes of the "ladies" left in the house. I couldn't wait to see what dirt was going to get spilled. Clearly a lot because Megan is no longer with us. She was clearly not there for Bret, although she was trying to molest him there toward the end. Should have slobbed that knob a couple days ago Meg.

Anyhoo...let's prognosticate.

Daisy

Oh Daisy the skeleton comes out. How can you still live with your ex-boyfriend. Judging from next week's preview it is looking very, very bad for Daisy at least from the standpoint of the other girls ganging up on her. But remember last season when everyone was ganging up on Lacey and it still didn't matter? Yeah...same situation.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 25-1

Ambre

Another first pass. Looks like little miss Ambre is in cruise control. She's playing it classy, staying above the fray, letting all these other girls go nuts and show how they're a bad match while she sneaks away and gets with Bret. She's in perfect position to steal this thing away from a chick with bigger boobs who doesn't lie about her age.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: EVEN

Destiney

Uh oh...a chink in the armor. She likes band dudes. Could be trouble later on. Then Bret will feast his eyes on that rack and it won't be a problem anymore. But it still could be a problem. I'm just glad we got a smidge of information about this lady.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 10-1

Jessica

Clearly can't hold her booze. She's young. We're getting down to the nitty gritty. She's on her way out. I'll even guarantee she's the one who's cut next week.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 100-1

Leaving The Hills

2008-03-22T08:43:00.001-07:00

The Hills used to be one of the reality shows I looked forward to. Lauren Conrad is in my top ten most beautiful woman I've ever seen in person in my life. She is a work of art in my opinion. I also loved the drama between her, her former best friend Heidi, and Heidi's boyfriend Spencer. I hated/loved watching these douchebags try to date her. And Brody Jenner is a douchebag, I know...I've met him too.

But then I found all of this crap was fake. Everything on this show is a setup. While I'm sure some of the things on this show are real, for the most part, it is all for show. While I believe Lauren and Heidi really aren't friends anymore, I don't believe Spencer and Brody are "enemies." When I found this out, I felt like I was cheated. I felt like I had wasted my time and my money on watching this show based on lies.

Even though I know it's fake, I am still drawn to the magazine covers when I see the Us Weekly exclusive featuring Lauren or Heidi. So of course when I saw the cover of the newest Us Weekly talking about how Lauren was "betrayed" by Brody and Audrina, of course part of me jumped. I flipped through to the article and started skimming. I was getting into the juicy details until I happened on the phrase "stay tuned for the season premiere on March 24th for more details" and then I slammed the magazine shut and flung it back on the rack. I won't get fooled again.

All of a sudden I remembered why I decided to stop watching this crap to begin with. It's all a lie. And now they're trying to dupe me into watching with these advertisements, errrr magazine features about how someone was betrayed. I'm calling bullshit and will never watch this show again. If I wanted to watch a fiction based show, I would. I watch reality crap so I can feel better about my life, not to watch a fake version of that.

So that's why I'm leaving The Hills, and you should too.

The Bachelor: First Impressions

2008-03-21T05:49:00.000-07:00

I am not totally sure why I love these shows. Perhaps it's the desperation of a woman who wants to be married and secure so badly that she will go on television, spend 3-5 weeks with a guy, and be ready for marriage and love. Maybe it's because the guys that go on this show have absolutely no intention of finding their future wife, they just want to broaden their prospects so that no matter where they go, some really attractive girl will come up to them and want to sleep with them. Or maybe I just love playing the Bachelor drinking game where you do a shot every time you hear: "alone time" or "connection."

Maybe it's all of these things. Anyway, here are my first impressions of what promises to be another stellar season. Look for me to start posting the odds on this show as soon as The Bachelor (I don't even know his name) gets it down to a manageable amount.

1. That drunken panty-giver definitely had a shot (well, she had a lot of shots, but you get my meaning) if she hadn't gotten so smashed. I love how everything on her was fake...her boobs, her lips, probably her cheeks. Basically we needed this lady to stick around for a few episodes. Unfortunately she had waaay too much to drink. I was hoping they'd leave her passed out in the bathroom like they did on Rock of Love then when she came to let her know she didn't get a rose.

2. You gotta love the ones who are above the age of 30. That biological clock is TICKING. I could hear it on my TV set. I also love trying to catch the women lying about their age. They say they are 24, but you and I both know they are closer to 29.

3. Another fun game to play is set an over/under, and guess how long the black entry will stay. If it is set at 3.5, always take the under...always.

4. LORENZO LAMAS' DAUGHTER IS ON THIS SHOW. I can't tell you how excited this makes me. One of the biggest douchebags in Hollywood has a smoking hot daughter, who must not be cutting it in the acting biz, so she goes on The Bachelor to find "love." Someone should have told her this doesn't work. Not the finding love part, but using a reality show to springboard your acting career. Unless you are that dude from Real World Chicago was cast on Days of Our Lives.

That's all for now, but this promises to be something exciting. Again, look for me to start posting odds as soon as he gets that number to around 9 or when I know all the girls' names. Whichever comes first.

Gauntlet III Wrapup

2008-03-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

The curse of CT lives. This guy has never won a challenge and from the looks of it, never will. The guy is the opposite of a four leaf clover. The sad part is I feel bad for guys like Evan and Brad and girls like Robin who come on these shows so many times, get so close, and then have reprehensible bastards win instead. Here are some of my closing thoughts on the season.

Johnny Bananas was right all along. I sensed it, but I still thought the Veterans team was strong enough to overcome it. They were not able to over come Eric being woefully out of shape. Take him off and the rookies would have been obliterated in that final challenge. The rookies ran into some dumb luck keeping Adam the first time around and being able to protect Eric the next time. And for their work they get a much, much larger cut of that 300k.

Danny is now officially a choker. If I'm on a team against him, I throw him in the Gauntlet/Inferno first thing. The guy is a mental midget and doesn't have the requisite toughness for this game. He should have destroyed Adam in Ball Brawl, but he couldn't think of how to do it. He probably shouldn't have even been in that situation to begin with, but he tried to play the game dirty, but in the end he got played.

I have no clue how Rachel made it through that final mission. I'm scared to think that at one time this chick was over in Iraq fighting in a war.

I'm constantly tinkering with my perfect RW/RR All Star team, but after this season I don't forsee any changes being made. I still like Kenny, and I think a guy like Evan could take the Timmy "funny/keep everyone loose" spot.

Great season. I liked the hour long episodes rather than teasing me for 4 months with the half hour episodes. I hope we can get another Duel or some other sort of challenge this summer. One of these a year just isn't enough.

2008 MLB Preview: NL East

2008-03-15T08:02:00.001-07:00

Finally we have landed in the division that houses my favorite team: The New York Mets. It also housed the teams that I hate most: The Atlanta Braves and The Philadelphia Phillies. Then two other teams that no one really cares about. But let's prognosticate, not procrastinate.

1. New York Mets
2. Philadelphia Phillies
3. Atlanta Braves
4. Washington Nationals
5. Florida Marlins

The things the Marlins owner has done to this fanbase are reprehensible. I would hate to be one of the 17 Florida Marlins fans out there. They just traded away their two best players. Depending on the strength of their AAA roster, look for this team to be cellar dwellers.

The Nationals could possibly be turning a corner, if they could actually get some decent pitching. I don't see that happening any time soon. They'll be better than the Marlins though.

Chipper Jones can talk all he wants, but their window is effectively closed. Larry will probably stub his toe on the top step of the dugout in April and have to go on the 60 day DL. Then that will leave a major hole in the lineup. They'll have to trade Mark Texiera because they won't be able to sign him and all hell will break loose. You're lucky I placed them this high.

Oh the Phillies. I think I hate them the most because of Jimmy Rollins' mouth. Last year he said they were the team to beat. Uh, ok. You needed the greatest collapse in history in order to make it, then get swept by a wildcard team in the playoffs. So what does that say exactly about your team? Not one that is going to win 100 games this year, that's for sure. I don't want to hear about the Brad Lidge signing either. After the first blown save, it's all over for that guy in Philly.

Sure the Mets are old, but no other team has Johan Santana. He's the best pitcher in the game. Period. He also has an effect on Pedro, by not making him the number one guy and taking the pressure off him and allowing him to do what he does best. It also moves John Maine and Oliver Perez down and let's them face other pitchers they can hang with. Hopefully this will also save the bullpen. Trust me, the Mets are getting back on top this year. Willie and Omar's jobs depend on it.

So final wrapup...

NL East: NY Mets
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
NL West: Arizona Diamondbacks
Wildcard: San Diego Padres

Mets over Padres
D'backs over Cubs

D'backs over Mets (which will make me start calling them the D'bags).

Boston over D'backs in the World Series

2008 MLB Preview: NL Central

2008-03-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

Here we are back again in the midwest in one of baseball's weakest divisions. Still there must be a winner from every division and I must tell you who I think that might be.

1. Chicago Cubs
2. Milwaukee Brewers
3. St. Louis Cardinals
4. Cincinnati Reds
5. Houston Astros
6. Pittsburgh Pirates

The Pittsburgh Pirates suck. I don't see them getting better anytime soon.

The Houston Astros made a bunch of moves this offseason, but they were for washed up guys. They are one of those teams for when spring training goes on, they look like they can make some noise. Only they make no noise. Their pitchers turn out to be not that good, the hitters can't protect Lance Berkman, and the relief isn't there. The fact that I forgot this team was in this division and I had to look it up should tell you something.

Cincinnati Reds are about a year away. They have some good young prospects and with Dusty Baker running the ship they should find themselves back in the playoffs very soon. Not sure how long before Josh Martin jumps on this bandwagon, but look for him to get in sometime around the All-Star Break.

The St. Louis Cardinals are a team in transition. They're good enough to threaten for a wild card spot, but not good enough to actually secure a playoff spot. They'll be that pesky team that is never a gimme win.

The Brewers showed they could contend last year. Then they pulled a Brewers and choked down the stretch. Hopefully for their fans they will secure a wild card spot or at least a division title. I don't think they will, but maybe they can.

The Chicago Cubs have no excuse. They won last year, they have all their same guys back plus a new Japan guy Fukudome (whose name I will enjoy saying all year), and Zambrano is under a long term deal now. Add that to a weak division and they should be back in the playoffs. Will they win it all? Stay tuned.

2008 MLB Preview: NL West

2008-03-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, back to business. We're headed back out west and I will be totally honest...don't know much about this division. But I promise I'll do my best job at faking it. Here we go.

1. Arizona Diamondbacks
2. San Diego Padres
3. Colorado Rockies
4. Los Angeles Dodgers
5. San Francisco Giants

The Giants of San Francisco are pretty much a team without an identity. Or rather, a team without offense. They're very old on offense and it's going to be a while before they start contending again. Maybe AJ Pierzynski is still available to trade for. Oh wait.

The Dodgers, I can't put my finger on them. They have good young talent, but I just am not buying into them. Sure they hired Joe Christ err Torre to manage the club, but we're about to see how overrated that position is. Full disclosure, I know very little about this team and didn't want to put them above the reigning NL Champs. It's bad enough I got them third.

The reigning NL Champs that needed an extra game to get into the playoffs to begin with. Basically this team caught fire at the right team and rode the momentum all the way to the World Series. The bottom line is, they weren't THAT good to begin with last year, and the other teams just got better. So unless they can recreate the magic, it'll be a disappointment.

The Padres almost won the division last year. Let's not forget they choked just like the Mets did. So they should be somewhere around the top as the bulk of their lineup hasn't changed. I'm being lazy with this division and it should be supremely obvious.

The D-backs picked up Dan Haren. The guy is a beast and way cheaper than Johan Santana. This team was making some noise last year and with Haren and Brandon Webb and if Randy Johnson can come back to be halfway decent, it'll be very hard to score on this team. And as we've seen, pitching wins championships.

The Foxy Five

2008-03-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

It truly is a sad day. Kristy Joe has left the house. She had to go home and "take care of her business." I'm kind of bummed because she had such an effect on every other woman in that house. It truly was hilarious this week watching Destiney, Daisy, and Jessica sitting on those steps bawling their eyes about this. We won't even get into their "video." So let's start the week off with a fresh set of odds.

Daisy

She is emotionally unstable. That point is obvious. But it does not matter clearly as Bret has said (and shown) that he loves crazy women. Next week looks very interesting as they bring in the ex-boyfriends. Can Daisy stay? Time will tell. Vegas however is not looking too kindly on next week's preview.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 10-1

Ambre

"She is the best kisser in the house." Two first passes in two weeks. Things are looking very strong right now for Ambre. Her main competition in Kristy Joe is now out of the house. This is looking like hers to take right now. I'm guessing her ex isn't going to have much bad to say about her. Needs to keep getting those dates and should cruise to victory.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: EVEN (you had your chance folks)

Megan

She was as good as gone. That's not good. She better find a personality quick. What am I saying? We all know she's gone next week.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 250-1

Destiney

I don't know what it is, but Bret seems to like this one. She hasn't really done anything but yell at Kristy Joe the last few weeks, yet we find her sticking around every week. But we're getting down to the wire here and she's going to have to step up her game. Will she? I say no, Vegas has other ideas.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 5-2

Jessica

Was she really crying that hard? Honestly? Is Bret that great of a guy? Does he just have that big of a penis? Will she have to get her stomach pumped next week? Will the vomit come out of the carpet? Do I have any more rhetorical questions?

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 4-1

Concrete Proof That Old People Need Their Own Island

2008-03-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

I went to a movie today. That is not important. What is important is that this is the movie theater that must market itself to people over the age of 95. Whenever I go to this movie theater I am always astounded by some action of some old person that would be better off euthanized. Before we get to that I want to share how I went to the bathroom before the movie in the women's restroom. I had no idea. It looked weird and I wondered why there were no urinals anywhere. When I walked out I saw the skirt on the stick figure and laughed. Thank goodness none of these little old ladies were in there.

Anyway, the point of this blog:

1. The first old guy slithers in and decides to sit in directly in front of me even with all the seats open in the theater. This was most likely because his 2nd knee replacement was about to give out and this was the closest chair he could make it to. Luckily there is space between the rows and the screen was high enough that his chrome dome wasn't in the way.

2. The second old guy comes stumbling in. He has quite a bit of verve and says to no one in particular: "Turn on the heat already!" It was a little less than warm in there, but if I wanted to make a difference, I would have talked to someone that worked at the theater, not imaginary friends. He then proceeds to talk more to himself as he makes his way to his seat and thunders down into it. I'm shocked it didn't break. I wish it had.

3. Two young ladies (probably around 60) come in and try to walk down a row. An older lady (probably around 110) says she cannot move. The 2nd lady has politely asked her to move so she can get into the row. "I can't move." I then wonder how she will get out of this theater in 2 hours when the movie is over. I assume they will have to get a wheelchair for her. The 110 year old woman makes the other woman go around thru another aisle. Hilarious. 1st lady forgot her earmuffs and rushes out of the theater. When she comes back her talking disturbs man from story number 2 who turns around and shoots an evil glare at them. It's okay for him to talk to himself, but everyone else must be silent apparently.

4. Another woman comes in trying the same thing. Old lady still can't move. The people under the age of 40 laugh at the predicament.

5. To top it off, another old dude comes in after the movie has been going on for 10 minutes. Sits directly in front of the guy who sat directly in front of me. You reap what you sow you old bastard. He's probably going to go to bed here in an hour or two.

The sad part is...stuff like this happens at this movie theater ALL THE TIME. I am never disappointed. Hell, when I was buying my ticket some little old lady with snot running out of her nose was complaining about the cold (it is still winter last time I checked) to another old lady behind me. She then says "go ahead" and the other lady feeling sorry for snotty lady replies "well I was here first, but you go ahead" followed by a reply of "no, no, go ahead." I wish I knew the conclusion, but I was too busy laughing and heading to the theater.

So as you can see...these people need their own island. Or perhaps they already have it, and I unconsciously decide to visit it whenever I go see a movie at this place.

2008 MLB Preview: AL East

2008-03-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

Ah, one of my favorite divisions. Always competitive, always interesting. One of the greatest feuds in sports. Let's get down to business.

1. Boston Red Sox
2. New York Yankees
3. Toronto Blue Jays
4. Tampa Bay Rays
5. Baltimore Orioles

Baltimore is going nowhere slow. They traded away Erik Bedard and Brian Roberts is soon to follow. They have a couple of prospects coming up I guess, but they just don't seem to really have a plan. I blame Peter Angelos and his terrible handling of this once proud franchise. It's going to be a long year.

Tampa Bay is the opposite of Baltimore. They have a plan and seem to be on their way to respectability. They've got some good young players and are finally collecting a decent amount of starting pitching. Obviously they aren't going to threaten the division, but they'll be scrappy and get out of last place for the first time in their existence.

Toronto...oh Toronto. They try so hard and it's never enough because the Sox and Yanks have too much cash. But if one of those teams slip up, the Blue Jays are right there. When (and especially if) that happens, the Jays might actually sneak into a wild card slot.

The Yankees, as of right now, do not have enough pitching to win this division. The lineup isn't the problem, but their pitchers are Andy Petitte, Chien-Men Wang, Ian Kennedy, Phil Hughes, and the corpse that is Mike Mussina. This is assuming that Kennedy and Hughes can hold up and being young, they are both suspect. They're going to have to bring in Joba the Hutt to save the ship when he should stay in the 8th inning. So, here they are.

The Red Sox are world champs. Nothing much has changed from their World Series victory. I like them to repeat here.

So let's wrap up the American League with my division winners and wild card pick:

AL East: Boston
AL Central: Cleveland
AL West: Seattle
Wildcard: Detroit

Boston over Detroit
Cleveland over Seattle

Boston over Cleveland to be AL Champs. National League coming up soon.

2008 MLB Preview: AL Central

2008-03-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

So today we take a trip to the midwest without actually having to go there. That is good. Because there is a whole lot of nothing out there. So let's start prognosticating...

1. Cleveland Indians
2. Detroit Tigers
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Minnesota Twins
5. Kansas City Royals

Again, let's start at the bottom. I think the KC Royals are on a good track. They've got a semi-competent GM in charge. Now if they can just get that tightfisted owner to pony up some dough they could make some noise in a few years. Unfortunately, it's 2008 and not a few years from now, so that's why they are going last here.

Minnesota is in a similar boat at the Royals. Their early 00's generation of stars were starting to get too expensive (even though they have one of the richest owners period [not just in sports]) so there is a bit of a turnover here. They've still got some thumpers who will make them competitive, but I think overall they're a little too green to make any noise.

The White Sox, I honestly don't know much about. I know they traded for Nick Swisher, but is he a guy to put them over the top? Doubtful. They're in a bad spot right now because they aren't Royals bad, but they aren't good enough to hang with the Tigers either. They think they can compete so I suppose anything is possible.

I know everyone is picking the Tigers to destroy the AL this year, but I'm not ready to "crown their asses" in the words of Denny Green. That bullpen is very weak without Joel Zumaya. They have some good pitchers, but outside of Verlander, they're all a little suspect. In fact, Verlander's heavy workload could catch up with him. Make no mistake though, that lineup will cause a lot of problems for some people.

Which brings us to the Tribe. To me this is a team that was one game away from getting to the World Series six months ago. They lost no major parts. Chubby Chunky Sabathia is looking for a big payday and will be motivated to show that he's worth the money the Yankees are going to waste on him next year. Good pitching always beats good hitting. I'm confident the Indians will hold off the Tigers and take the division again.

And to "Jared," I will give my wildcard picks after I finish all the previews. This will be the final part of my preview where I pick the World Series winner.

2008 MLB Preview: AL West

2008-03-05T09:42:00.001-08:00

I'm going to be doing this throughout the month of March. I'll pick a division in the Major Leagues and give you my two cents on how I think the season will go down. Then I'll give my three trimester reports after a third of the season. Mainly because that is how Billy Beane breaks down the season and he's universally viewed as the smartest GM in the game right now. If you wonder at my qualifications, I watch baseball. I'm fairly articulate. The only differences between me and John Kruk is about 50 lbs and one of us got paid to play baseball.

Today, for no particular reason I'm picking the AL West

1. Seattle Mariners
2. Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim
3. Texas Rangers
4. Oakland A's

I'm not going to spend too much time on the A's. Billy Beane has seen the light and has seen that the group he had last year couldn't win and decided to blow up the core and get some prospects. If he did his job correctly, look for a resurgence in 2010. Now if they could just somehow get people to actually watch this team. I vote moving them to San Jose.

The Texas Rangers perpetually need pitching. No matter what they do, they never seem to have enough. They do have some thumpers in that lineup with Michael Young, Ian Kinsler, Hank Blalock, and new addition Josh Hamilton. But I don't feel good about that pitching staff. I think the fanbase is genuinely bummed that the Showalter plan didn't work out for them.

The LA/California/Anaheim Angels are always a chic pick. But Vladdy is looking old and you can't play both Gary Matthews and Torii Hunter in the outfield. Well, I suppose they could, but I don't know how effective that would be. I mean, I could be wrong and these guys could turn it on and win the division, but I don't like how they rolled over in the last trimester last year.

Which brings us to the Seattle Mariners. I like the Bedard trade for them. Pair him up with King Felix and that's a good 1-2 punch. With a decent 'pen they should be able to shut down stronger lineups. I think they have enough offense to win the close games, and they could be really good if Adrian Beltre and Richie Sexon actually gave a crap. I see it being close the whole way out, but the Mariners have enough pitching to make some noise.

Stay tuned throughout the month for periodic updates. I promise I'll get the other 5 division previews in before the season starts.

Good Riddance Brett Favre

2008-03-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

Today the mighty, glorious, infallible, future Hall of Famer Brett Favre retired from the Green Bay Packers. I may be the only one saying this, but THANK GOD. I am so tired of everyone saying how great Favre is, how much fun he's having out there, and how he's so brave and courageous out there. John Madden is probably really bummed now that his boyfriend is no longer playing football.

Don't get me wrong...Favre was a very good NFL quarterback for an extended period of time. He deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. But to me, he is the Cal Ripken of football. Most of his milestones could be a byproduct of enormous amounts of luck. He never got seriously injured on a late hit. He never got pulverized in the knee on one of his scrambles. The fact remains he got a little lucky to avoid serious injury and set some of those records.

Also like Ripken, he held the Packers hostage for the last 4-5 years with the will he/won't he retire discussion when it probably would have been best for the team if he just stepped away. However his ego and need to compete kept him coming back. The guy wanted to go out on top. Instead he went out in a way that was pretty much indicative of the last 10 years of his career. Throw the boneheaded, backbreaking interception to end the playoff dream once again.

So in summation, great career Favre. You might have stayed too long, but now you know it ends for everybody. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Updating the Odds

2008-03-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

I suppose this is going to be a regular feature now. What can I say? I love this show. Season 2 has been way better than season 1. The first season you could kind of tell each week who was going home. This season, any of these girls could win. I'm updating the odds this early because VH1 runs the new episode in the morning and that's the one my DVR records. And since it's my day off and I had nothing else going on, I watched it. And I watched the Ukranian love tank chug off into the sunset. So here we go.

Daisy

Ugh. That singing was cringe worthy. I toyed with the idea of muting it, but I felt I owed it to myself to hear the car crash. And that's exactly what it sounds like. I know what Bret likes about this chick, but if I had to hear her talking in that modified stoner/surfer drawl I would seriously remove my ears without anesthesia. But those boobs keep chugging along despite her impending emotional breakdown.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 4-1

Kristy Joe

None of the girls in the house like her, but I still do. Not in a way that I'm attracted to her. Unless they all are keeping the war paint on. In that case, I'm most attracted to her. Otherwise, no. But I love rooting for the underdog and that is what she has become. Every week it looks like she's going and every week she stays. In the meantime, the odds keep rising.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 25-1

Ambre

Quietly hanging around and getting closer to rocking Bret's world. She looked mighty strong this week getting the first pass. If Bret wants to go normal, he's going to go with Ambre. If it were me in his position, I'd be just as tempted. So long as nothing crazy happens, she could find herself in the final 2 or 3.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 3-1

Megan

Pretty much the polar opposite of Ambre. She's a superficial, ugly (on the inside), heinous bitch, but man does she have a smoking body. If she really wants to get over the top she's going to have to put out. Because I'm not really seeing anything other than a physical connection.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 15-1

Destiney

This is another one I still can't get a handle on. But she is also attractive to Bret and keeps chugging along. And she's also probably going to have to put out here in a couple of weeks. Then again it looks like Bret really likes her, so who really knows?

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: EVEN (sorry everyone...Vegas can't get a handle on this one either).

Jessica

2 dates in a row and she's starting to look like a contender. Sometimes it looks like she got hit in the face with a frying pan with that dazed and confused look. However, she is in that Megan/Destiney boat where she's going to have to start making some moves if she wants to win. But in the mean time she is coming strong.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 5-2

Is Anderson Silva the Greatest?

2008-02-29T07:48:00.000-08:00

We will find out the answer to that question this Saturday night when he takes on Pride Middleweight Champion Dan Henderson in another unification about.

Anderson Silva showed up in the UFC in the summer of 2006 with a match against fast rising Chris Leben. Silva demolished him in about 90 seconds. Given the lack of true contenders, his next fight was a title shot against Rich Franklin, who at the time looked fairly unbeatable. Silva destroyed him as well in the first round, making him look like a chump. Over the next year he finished off Travis Lutter, Nate Marquardt, and Rich Franklin again. Lutter is the only one who had him in any sort of trouble. He has yet to go past the third round in any of his fights.

In my opinion, he is the best pound for pound fighter in the game right now. That's what makes this fight so interesting. Dan Henderson is a beast and has the tools needed to stop an Anderson Silva. Will it happen? That remains to be seen. I'll be honest and say I haven't seen much of Dan Henderson. In his unification bout with Rampage Jackson, he didn't do much to impress me. I think this fight will be better for him, but the end result will still be the same...a loss. I look for Silva to win by submission in the 2nd round. This guy is simply too good and will not be denied. It would be better for the division if he lost, but I don't think that will happen.

Predictions for the other fights:

Heath Herring over Cheick Kongo by KO in the 1st round
Jon Fitch over Chris Wilson by submission in the 2nd round
Evan Tanner over Yushin Okami by TKO in the 3rd round
Chris Leben over Alessio Sakara by KO in the 3rd round

Updating the Odds

2008-02-26T21:00:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I prognosticated correctly and now both Catherine and Peyton will not be rocking Bret's world. However, I'm having to update the odds due to a few things that happened this week. Kristy Joe was making some strong impressions in the pitch black restaurant and in boning Bret in his room. Ambre is looking like she could win the prize with her "sensual" (Bret's words) kissing in the same restaurant. Also, Jessica made a strong case by putting on her best stripper attire (I wasn't complaining) and throwing herself at Bret. Smart move.

On to the reconfigured odds...

Daisy

Her connection with Bret seems to be fading a bit. She was looking like the favorite there for a bit. She could still pull it out, but she may have to talk dirty to Mr. Michaels again, if you catch my drift...and I think you do (Patrick Murphy).

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 2-1

Kristy Joe

While she was making a strong case in the restaurant and in the sheets, the preview for next week has got me a little concerned. Looks as though she may not be there for Bret. And as we know, if you are not there for Bret, you get weeded out pretty fast. Time will tell.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 12-1

Inna

Ah, Bret's Ukranian love tank. You better make your move or you are going to be out of the house with a quickness.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 15-1

Ambre

Still seems like the most normal in the house. She isn't super duper hot, but she seems really genuine and down to earth. She does what she has to do without being slutty about it. Kudos to her for keeping it clean.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 3-2

Megan

Nothing much has changed. But in a couple weeks she's going to have to start putting out.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 10-1

Destiney

Same as above

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 15-1

Jessica

Well, looks like someone wants to do some rocking. She was all over this guy and was ripping those bandanas off of those pigs. She showed that she wanted it and she wanted to be there. Then on her solo date she pretty much did everything except molest Bret. If you took this lady at last week's odds you are sitting pretty.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 10-8

Things That Annoy Me 36-38

2008-02-26T06:22:00.000-08:00

36. People that feel the need to sing their music out loud that they are listening to on their ipod. These people are usually listening to rap music. I'm all for people doing their own raps and getting people to hear that. But when they're rapping other people's raps or singing other people's lyrics to an audience of one? C'mon dude...keep it to yourself. I'm trying to read here. It's basically a look at me gesture and it's annoying.

37. People who talk in movies at a regular volume. Well, anyone talking in general sucks, but yesterday someone was having a regular conversation at regular volume. Why are you even in the movie? This same lady started talking on her cell phone like she was at home watching a movie. Who are these people? Don't leave your house.

38. Horses. I don't understand these people who looooooove horses. Let me give you the big tip about horses. They smell. They smell bad. To me all a horse is good for is pulling something. I don't want to ride one and I don't want any posters of one around me.

Oscars Update

2008-02-25T04:54:00.000-08:00

Now, I say I never watch the Oscars, and I don't. However, I was hanging out at a bar last night with some friends and they had the Oscars on. So it wasn't my choice, but it was there. Outside of Jon Stewart, I was reminded why I don't watch. It's a boring, puffed up piece of tripe that thinks itself more important than it really is. Everyone and everything is "genius" and "brilliant" when probably the only genius in there was either Jack Nicholson or Seth Rogen. Here are some of my thoughts on the extravaganza...

1. In my picks I was 4-1. Not bad. Marion Cotillard totally surprised me. Good for her as Julie Christie already has an Oscar. I couldn't hear a word she was saying but she looked very adorable. Something about those French ladies.

2. Jack Nicholson is still the coolest emeffer in that entire building hands down.

3. The fact that Enchanted got THREE (!) songs nominated while none of Eddie Vedder's songs from Into the Wild were nominated is downright ridiculous. I'm so happy that none of them won.

4. There is way too much unneeded crap in this. That "how we vote for the Oscars" was a completely useless five minutes wasted where they could have given out an award someone actually cares about. They say they want to get it shorter every year and it never changes. And it never will.

5. The best part of the night was seeing people we didn't know, then assigning them an alias and making everyone laugh.

6. Juno is not nearly as good as everyone made it out to be. It was a nice, quirky little film that deserved to be recognized in maybe Best Original Screenplay, but that's it. It was an insult to all the other well-made films this year that it got nominated for Best Picture and Best Director.

After watching about 2 hours of the Oscars last night, I'm convinced that I will never watch another Oscars under my own discretion.

Arguing With Nick Weeks

2008-02-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

So this is something new I'm going to try with my blog. I work with a gentleman named Nick Weeks who is very knowledgeable about sports. The only problem is that he is a born and bred New Yorker, which means he has zero logic to his arguments when it comes to New York teams and their nemeses. Every now and then we'll get into a good natured argument about the Yankees, the Giants, the Jets, the Mets, or the Knicks. I also like to ask him who the greatest was in any sport.

Nick is usually right on, but when he is wrong...he is REALLY wrong. The bad part is he won't let you win the argument. He won't even concede a point. Well, little does he know I have a blog where he is the one who is unable to respond. So every now and then I'll bring up a conversation I've had with Mr. Weeks and present his ridiculous theory and my rebuttal.

NICK'S THEORY: Kobe is just as good, if not better than Michael Jordan (assuming he wins the title this year).

First and foremost, to compare anyone or say anyone right now is as good as Michael Jordan is pure and total bullshit. But first, let's talk about the fellow Kobe Bryant. I admit, Kobe may be the best player today. It doesn't change the fact that I hate his guts. To me he is a little bitch that has never done anything without Shaq saving his ass. Now that he's actually got some players around him, it's looking like he can get that elusive non-Shaq title. If he does, kudos to him. If not, you still didn't win one without the big man.

Now, no matter how many more titles Kobe wins (he could win 4 more and have more than Mike) he will never be better than Michael Jordan. Michael beat Isaiah and the Detroit PIstons, Magic and the Lakers, Clyde and the Blazers, Ewing and the Knicks, Barkley and the Suns, Payton and Kemp of the Suns, and Malone and Stockton of the Jazz. He beat every relevant superstar of his generation. Not only that, but he did it with a rotating crew of stiffs in the middle. He had Scottie Pippen on his team and he was far and away the best player he ever had. Basically, Mike carried those Bulls teams.

Let's forget all that. Let's put Mike in today's NBA where no one plays defense and no one is allowed to foul hard. He'd average 40 points a game. That is not hyperbole. That is truth. Remember how Kobe scored 81 points in a game a couple of years ago? Mike would have scored 101...easily. He might have done it twice. He'd have had one of those nights where he was just FEELING it and destroy some team. Put Kobe in Mike's era and he probably would have gotten a ring or two, but I know he wouldn't have six.

In your face Nick. I know you hate Mike cause he always beat those Knick teams that you loved so much. But you can't hate on greatness. And Kobe will NEVER be as great as Mike. The End. Check in some guests bitch.

Handicapping the Oscars

2008-02-19T16:38:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again. The time of year when the best in film go unrecognized as a bunch of ostentatious crap gets recognized instead. You've got it...it's time for the Oscars. Or you guessed that was what I was going to write about since I titled this entry "Handicapping the Oscars." For brevity's sake, I pick best film, best director, best actor, and best actress. If I think I'll nail any other picks, I'll let you know those too. Here we go...

BEST ACTOR

George Clooney "Michael Clayton"
Daniel Day-Lewis "There Will Be Blood"
Johnny Depp "Sweeny Todd"
Tommy Lee Jones "In The Valley of Elah"
Viggo Mortensen "Eastern Promises"

SHOULD WIN: Daniel Day-Lewis
WILL WIN: Daniel Day-Lewis

This year is tough. Any other year any of these guys could win. But Daniel Day-Lewis is simply the best. If he doesn't win, it better be a loss to Johnny Depp because he deserves a win for some great work. But to me, Day-Lewis is untouchable here.

BEST ACTRESS

Julie Christie "Away From Her"
Ellen Page "Juno"
Cate Blanchett "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
Marion Cotillard "La Vie en Rose"
Laura Linney "The Savages"

SHOULD WIN: um...none of the above?
WILL WIN: Julie Christie

She's already got the Golden Globe and the SAG which almost always means the Oscar isn't too far off. Just so long as Ellen Page doesn't win. I could have played her part in Juno. Any semi-attractive, smarmy actress could have. Not anyone could play an Alzheimer's lady, so I gotta go with Julie Christie here. I'm not impressed with this bunch.

BEST DIRECTOR

Paul Thomas Anderson "There Will Be Blood"
Joel & Ethan Coen "No Country for Old Men"
Tony Gilroy "Michael Clayton"
Jason Reitman "Juno"
Julian Schnabel "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly"

SHOULD WIN: Joel & Ethan Coen
WILL WIN: Joel & Ethan Coen

Weird ending or no weird ending, No Country for Old Men was the best directed. These wide open spaces with absolutely no sound. The way the tension was built. The way the gunfights played out. The Coen brothers deserved an Oscar a while ago, and now they will finally get theirs.

BEST FILM

Atonement
Juno
No Country for Old Men
Michael Clayton
There Will Be Blood

SHOULD WIN: Michael Clayton
WILL WIN: No Country for Old Men

It's just their year. And to be honest, if it weren't for that crap-tastic ending, I'd be on that train too. To me, Michael Clayton was every bit as tense and smart as No Country was, but actually resolved at the end. What a concept! Either way, one hour and 45 minutes of No Country was better than all of Chicago and The Lord of The Rings put together, so I guess worse things have happened.

Javier Bardem is winning Best Supporting Actor. Bet the house.

Have fun not watching the Oscars!

Picking Chicks

2008-02-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

Over on Rock of Love II we are down to the "divine nine" as our wig-headed Bret Michaels calls them. This week he threw a curveball and didn't eliminate any of the girls. Unfortunately (for these chicks) next week Bret is going to eliminate two girls. Oh the horror, the humanity. Since this number is down to a manageable amount, I figured I would give the odds of each woman's chances of being Bret's Rock of Love (before getting dumped and/or coming clean she was doing it for the pub). Here we go...

Daisy

She scares me. The way she talks, the way she looks, the tattoos she has...it's one whole scary package. I mean sure she's got ginormous boobs, but it's the rest of her that really freaks me out. Her interviews are legitimately downright frightening. I know what Bret sees in her: she puts out and she has basketball sized breasts. Basically, she's his type of lady.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: EVEN

Kristy Joe

I can't explain it, but I like her. And it's definitely not her looks, because when the war paint comes off, it is eerie underneath. What I like is even though all the girls have tried to slag her down, she sticks around. However, she's got that pesky husband sticking around and that could be her final downfall. We'll see. I just know I'm still pulling for her.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 7-2

Inna

Bret's Ukranian Love Tank. How can you turn her away? She's large and in charge, but Bret's likes her and her heavy eye shadow. And she can do the splits. That's got to count for something in the Rock of Love universe.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 5-1

Ambre

Overlook the fact she doesn't know how to spell Amber. You can tell Bret really likes her. Frankly, she has the least amount of baggage in the house. What I don't understand is what is someone like this doing being single? She seems like a catch. And she likes football. This girl has to be a sleeper to take Bret.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 5-2

Megan

The vindictive blonde trying to be this year's Lacey. And she has uneven boobs. I don't care. She seems to be the best looking woman in the house. Of course, she sleeps in her makeup so as not to be caught by the cameras, so she could be a gremlin beneath that face like all the other girls. She's probably going to have to go down on Bret to stick around til the end.

Odds of Rocking Bret's World: 10-1

Destiney

Another person who has a weird spelling of their name. What's up with that? This chick is down to play it dirty by using her VIP pass on Kristy Joe's date. She seems to be losing steam, but she'll probably hang on for a little while longer because it looks like Bret is really attracted to her. We'll see.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 15-1

Jessica

I know nothing about this chick.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 50-1

Catherine

Old chick who looks like the lead singer for Cinderella. Google image search and tell me I'm wrong. I can't see her sticking around much longer. She seems boring. And let's face it...bitch is old. I'm not going to go further than that.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 75-1

Peyton

Let's face facts: all this lady has going for her is she can play guitar and sing. You can tell Bret isn't attracted to her and she is going to be gone next week. He just wanted to be sure. She sure can sing though.

Odds on Rocking Bret's World: 250-1

My money is on Ambre. I just think she's going to be able to get the job done and bring it home. Then hopefully she won't dump Bret on the reunion show. Is Jes available to go out with me?

Things That Annoy Me 31-35

2008-02-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

31. Traffic. Not the movie, cause that is awesome. I'm talking about moving inches at a time, not being able to see, and not being able to do anything about it. Heaven forbid you have to go to the bathroom while you are caught in traffic. You might as well just go on yourself. Today I was coming back from upstate NY and got caught in a bunch of traffic going into the Lincoln Tunnel. I wanted to shoot myself. I think I'd rather shave with broken glass than sit in that traffic again.

32. Facial Piercings. If you are a girl and you have a small nose ring, I guess that is acceptable. But if you are over the age of 22 and you have an eyebrow or a lip piercing or anywhere else on your face pierced...I have two words for you: GROW UP. Seriously, it isn't cool. No matter what you try to say, it is not cool. In fact, it's the opposite of cool. You are trying so hard to look cool that you have to put that crap in your face. It just looks childish.

33. Old people.

34. Children in middle school. They think they know it all. How I wish I was under the age of 18 and could just punch them in the face.

35. The Grammys. I can't think of a less relevant award show. I care less every year. The highlight of this year was the stunning Ms. Underwood. My offer of courtship still stands to her.

Changing my Fandom

2008-02-04T20:51:00.000-08:00

So I've come to a realization after last night's debacle of a Super Bowl. I suppose technically it wasn't a debacle, but from a gambling standpoint and an eating crow standpoint, it was quite the debacle. To me, there are two types of sports fans. The type of fan who lives and dies with his team, follows everything, rides the highs, rides the lows, and loves everything that comes along with it. This type will heretofore be called a Simmons fan. Then there is the fan of the game itself with no inherent ties to any team or the tie to a team changes from season to season. This type will heretofore be called a Klosterman fan.

If I may be completely honest, most of my life has been spent being a Klosterman fan. Growing up I would switch my allegiance based on a myriad of factors. I can remember being a Red Sox fan, Cubs fan, White Sox fan, Braves fan, and even a lowly Texas Rangers fan. That's just baseball. Somewhere around 1998 I decided to follow one team in each sport. I chose the New York teams cause I could root for the Mets, football Giants, Knicks, and Rangers. It was at that time I became a Simmons fan for the New York sports teams excluding the Yankees, Jets, and Islanders.

When I began playing fantasy football, my love for the Giants started to dwindle. I couldn't root for them because I'd need my defense to shut them down. I couldn't root for them because a guy I was playing that week had Tiki Barber. Add that to the fact that fairweather fandom was created in New York City, and well, it's easy to see why I shifted to their natural enemy (ie Boston). So I would root for the Patriots and the Red Sox just to spite these arrogant New York fans.

As you've probably figured out, last night it bit me in the ass. New York won something. Frankly, I'm not a fan of eating crow. I also don't need the stress of following sports so closely. From here on out I will be a Klosterman fan. With the exception of the New York Mets (and frankly if the guard changes, I could drop them) and the University of Georgia Bulldogs (I can never go Klosterman in college football) will be my teams. I will not get too high (unless one of these teams actually wins a league title) and I will not get too low. I will not let Yankee and Gator fans annoy me. If these teams lose to the evil empire and the Tebows, I'll let it slide.

It's just a game, and from now on I will enjoy it for what it is. I think for me this will be more satisfying and more gratifying for my blood pressure

And Then There Were 2

2008-02-02T07:04:00.000-08:00

So here it is...the Super Bowl. The last game of the football season. We'll get a little football in April with the draft, but after that we're going to have to wait until July before anything starts happening. So I'm going to have to suck the marrow out of this game.

Too bad this game is going to suck (see what I did there?)

I don't say this to mean I don't like either of the teams, because I really enjoy the Patriots. It will be fun to watch them accomplish perfection. And it will happen. They will beat the New York Giants. I haven't met anyone other than an irrational Giants fan who thinks differently. These Giants fans are really ridiculous. To listen to these people you would have thought they won that game against the Pats the last week of the season.

Here are some simple truths to this game to be played tomorrow...

1. This is a warm weather game. Guys like Randy Moss and Wes Welker and Laurence Maroney are going to be running all over the field and Tom Brady is going to be throwing darts all over the place.

2. That last game, Tom Brady and Randy Moss were consciously going for their respective TD records. They were forcing the ball to Randy Moss quite often in the hopes of breaking some records. That won't happen this time. They'll concern themselves with beating the Giants however they can.

3. The Giants won't be getting a special teams touchdown. Take away that score and it's 38-28. Not as close now is it?

4. Bill Belichick is a defensive mastermind. I can guarantee you he has a perfect plan for making Eli Manning look like the Eli Manning we have grown to know and love. Dazed and confused and getting rid of the ball as fast as possible so as to not be destroyed by Richard Seymour or Junior Seau.

5. This Patriots team is the best team in all of football history.

The Giants have a shot at winning this game...but they have to play perfectly, get some huge plays from Plaxico Burress, a huge play by either Ahmad Bradshaw or Brandon Jacobs, and force some turnovers. I can't see it happening.

Patriots 38 Giants 24

Last week 1-1
Playoffs 6-3

Brock Lesnar Arrives: UFC 81 Preview

2008-02-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

Brock Lesnar, the former WWF champion has pulled a reverse Ken Shamrock. He started out in pro wrestling and now wants to try his hand in MMA. One look at the guy and you can tell that he is a beast. He looks like a pro wrestler should look. You can kind of tell that he wanted something more legitimate for his life when he abruptly quit wrestling and tried out for the Minnesota Vikings as a defensive lineman. He got cut at the end of training camp and did some pro wrestling in Japan. From there he decided to be a mixed martial artist.

After one professional fight in Japan's K-1 organization, we find him in the UFC amid much fanfare and hoopla. Tomorrow night he will take on former UFC heavyweight champion Frank Mir. He's talking a good game. I love his brash, cocky attitude toward the UFC heavyweight division. He's looking to breeze through Mir on his way to another fight with a legit contender, then most likely a title shot. If they fought this one via hype only, Lesnar wins easily.

But they fight them in the cage of course. One thing I just can't get past is Lesnar's lack of experience. Sure he talks a good game, but outside of the WWF I haven't seen much of it. Mir is looking in shape and is great on his back. If Lesnar takes him down like Sylvia took Mir down, he could wind up with a broken arm also. Part of me wants Mir to win cause I want to see him fight Tim Sylvia again and break his other arm. I think we may get to see Sylvia-Mir 2.

My predictions are as follows...

Sylvia over Nogueria by Unanimous Decision
Mir over Lesnar by Submission in the 1st round
Marquardt over Horn by Split Decision
Almeida over replacement by KO in the 2nd round
Griffin over Tebau by Unanimous Decision

Things That Annoy Me 28-30

2008-01-30T10:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, but I guess I just haven't been that annoyed lately. Consider me annoyed.

28. People who talk to their animals like they will talk back to them and/or understand the English language. Dog owners are usually the biggest culprit of this phenomenon. Let me give you the big tip, unless you are saying "sit" or "stay" or "lie down," the dog does not understand you. Maybe it understands its name. That's because you always make that noise when you talk to it, so it's used to it. Stop wasting breath. Thanks.

28a. Those pet owners that call themselves Mommy or Daddy to their pet. Are you freaking serious? Did this animal come out of your vagina or do you just want to play house that bad? Seriously.

29. New York sports fans. These guys are so irrational. One of their teams makes it to the championship game and all the "die-hard" fans start coming out of the woodwork. Give me a break. Fairweather fans are fine, every city has them and they'll never go away. Winning will always breed this. What I hate, is the notion that these fairweather fans are now somehow experts on the team. You're not, so just get you're NFC championship hat and shut your mouth.

30. Politics. Ugh...so annoying. My lack of choices are astounding. It's like choosing between a turd sandwich or a urine daquiri. We've got a scheming liar in Hillary. An under-experienced Barack giving "chills" but not much substance. An old codger who may be two steps from outer limits. And a mormon I know nothing about. Did Al Gore not think he couldn't win this...why? Now John Edwards quits. It's looking like another Nader vote from me. Don't worry you politics freaks...I live in New York, guess which presidential nominee is winning this state.

Initial Gauntlet 3 Thoughts

2008-01-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

I love these challenge shows. They really have hit on something amazing in bringing back all of these interesting people and bribe them with six figure pay days. Basically they are selling out. They have no shame. I much rather it be them than me. Here in a numerical list of things that I've noticed in the first hour long episode of Gauntlet III.

1. Brooke is a lesbian?! Who knew? Although after conferring with one of my gay friends, we are thinking she is confused and drunk in that first episode. Although Ev is totally lesbian. As Coral says "She may have a penis."

1a. With this "pick a team member on the opposite team you want to protect from the Gauntlet" the over/under on Brooke's time on the show has been bumped up to 5 episodes.

2. I don't think I have to say it, but CT may be certifiably insane. He makes me want to drink less. Hopefully he won't punch anyone in the face, because we need him on this show for more than one episode.

3. Alex is a quitter. I'm very disappointed because I wanted to see him set a record for most girls slayed during one season.

4. There are an astounding number of unrecognizable faces. This other Road Rules show I don't watch very much and they have clearly taken a bunch of those people. I'm sure I'll get to know them soon enough, but I much rather would have had 4-5 people from Real World Sydney than these people. It should be law that Isaac is on every one of these challenges from here on out.

5. I like the idea of no team bank accounts. This is pure genius. We could see some serious in-team drama as the men have no reason to keep women around. Will this happen? Almost definitely. Will CT see the final mission? I'm thinking no, but I'm hoping yes. The rookie team better hope yes too because he has a way of self-destructing and not winning any cash.

That's it for now. I just know it's going to be volatile and entertaining.
On a scale of 1-10, we're looking at a solid 19 out of 10. Stay tuned for further updates.

Real Housewives of Orange County Wrapup

2008-01-24T09:33:00.000-08:00

Another season comes to an end with Lauri's extravagant wedding to George who must have some money trees stashed out back by his house. Here are some of my slightly edited thoughts on one of the most interesting shows on television...

1. Jeana is the most normal of all these women. Even though she's getting a divorce and her youngest son is a little troublemaker, she still seems to have done well for herself. Hopefully she'll find a good guy who will appreciate her and take care of her. I can't believe I just wrote that. Who am I?

2. Vicki is by far the nuttiest of this bunch. I think she's done a good job raising good kids, but you can tell her job is everything. I'm predicting a divorce from Don very soon. I also love how she's had so much plastic surgery on her face she can barely smile. Her mouth ends up being kind of like this perfectly circular hole. And you can always count on her to scream something hilarious. Last season...family van. This season...We're going to Mexico.

3. Lauri hit the lottery. She married this rich guy who falls ass backwards into cash and then spends it all on Lauri. I guess I shouldn't say that, because her son has had a lot of trouble. I was about to cry a little bit when he was talking about being the man that his mom wants to be. Then the well dried up when I saw how horrendous Lauri's face looks. She's the other one who can't smile.

4. After seeing Jo for 10 seconds in the final episode, I can honestly say I'm glad she wasn't on the show this year.

5. Tami we didn't see much of this year due to the death of her ex-husband and her desire to let her children mourn in private. Classy.

6. Tamra says she is the hottest housewife in Orange County. She's right. Problem is that she knows it. Another problem she's going to come across is when she is unable to smile in a few months. That and the deadbeat she calls a son. Seems like all that kid cares about is partying and getting tattoos. Good to see he moved out at the end of the show...back into his grandma's house...freeloader.

7. Quinn. Where do we begin? The Christianity? The sensual nature she has and she wants to get married asap so she can enjoy it? The dating younger men so she can control them? Her fat wrists? Her dorky ex-boyfriends? I don't know where to start so I'll just leave you with all those rhetorical questions.

So I have to say I enjoyed this season, but not as much as season 2. There wasn't enough drama like last season. But you know these vain bitches are coming back for a season 4. And if not, we now have real housewives of New York to tie us over.

Look for initial thoughts on Gauntlet 3 coming soon.

Cloverfield

2008-01-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

Surely you have been bombarded with the phenomenon that is Cloverfield. It all started before Transformers as a title-less preview that ended with the Statue of Liberty head sliding down a street. This set off a wave of internet hype and hysteria wondering what could actually cause the head of the Statue of Liberty to come flying down the street. Was it a terrorist flick? Was it a monster flick? JJ Abrams gave it away, but it had to be fairly obvious.

So I tried to not get too excited. Frankly, if you know me, if it's popular, I'm most likely going to go the other way. But overall, I enjoyed Cloverfield. It was a good monster movie that did it the right way. It also helped that I was rooting for the monster and he got some major damage in. But here are some of the things I wasn't too fond of:

1. The handheld camera. I understand it was essential to the plot, but there were about 5-7 times I had to look away because that thing was shaking so much. I couldn't take it after a while. Just go to black when they're running...or edit. Please.

2. The blinking lights in Beth's building. This film should have come with a warning that it may cause seizures.

3. The trips to plot convenient playhouse were a little much for me. Such as "Oh, we're at 59th street." All the crowbars lying around. The absolute absence of abandoned cars between Spring Street and 59th Street. Basically a bunch of stuff only people in New York are going to notice.

4. The girl running around the entire city in high heels, but taking them off to climb the stairs.

5. The surviving of the helicopter crash. That was total bullshit.

I'm sure there were other things, but those were the most offensive. Don't be surprised if we see a big budget sequel to this explaining more about this Godzilla Jr. When it comes out July 4th 2009 I will say I told you so.

UFC 80 Preview

2008-01-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

Been a while since I've done a proper one of these. Let's face it, the last PPV only had 2 fights anyone wanted to see. The PPV in November had a lackluster main event as well as some other fights that failed to impress. This card features a lightweight title fight and some highly underrated fighters looking to make a name for themselves as well as some guys looking to recover from a loss. Let's make some predicks...

Kendall Grove vs. Jorge Rivera

Both of these guys are coming off of fights where they got their bell rung. Grove is the Season 3 Ultimate Fighter winner and has more to accomplish in the UFC than Rivera. But don't underestimate Rivera, he's a scrapper and took former champ Rich Franklin to the limit. Granted that was three years ago now, but still. He can bang a little and Grove has shown he's susceptible.

Grove by submission in the 3rd round

Marcus Davis vs. Jess Liaudin

Davis is on a tear lately. Then again, so is Liaudin. However, I've seen Davis fight and I have not seen Liaudin fight. I'm going to go with what I see here and try not to be surprised if I'm wrong.

Davis by TKO in the 2nd round

Gabriel Gonzaga vs. Fabricio Werdum

A couple of top 10 heavyweights looking to mix it up. Werdum is coming over from Pride and didn't look too hot against Andrei Arlovski. Gonzaga gave Randy Couture a tough time and knocked out a then-invincible looking Mirko Cro Cop. I think Gonzaga is elevating his game and will take care of business here to get to another title shot.

Gonzaga by unanimous decision

BJ Penn vs. Joe Stevenson

This one is really really close. Stevenson is no slouch and Penn is one of the best pound for pound fighters out there. When I look closer, Penn has fought the tougher guys. Stevenson's last two fights were against some unheralded guys. Penn fought former champ Jens Pulver and former welterweight champ Matt Hughes. Plus I think Penn wants it more. Look for Penn to score the victory and take on disgraced Sean Sherk to see who is really the king of the lightweights.

Penn by submission in the 2nd round

And Then There Were 4

2008-01-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

Certainly some surprises during last weeks division playoffs. I, along with many others, did not see the Chargers beating the Colts on the road. Of course, after last year's Super Bowl victory, I think we all forgot what a choker Peyton Manning is. I figured he'd choke, just not that soon. Also, I kind of wish the NY Giants hadn't won because I really can't take all these delusional fans all around me. It's all skill here, never luck.

Let's pick some games...

New England vs. San Diego

I already didn't like San Diego's chances before Phil Rivers, LaDanian Tomlinson, and Antonio Gates were hurt. Now that they are in doubt...forget about it. You're not going to derail history when you're best guys aren't at their best. Almost always we will see a blowout in the conference championship game, so look for it here. I really would have seen the Colts/Pats matchup, but I enjoy knowing that the Colts can't get it done.

New England 49 San Diego 17

Green Bay vs. New York

Green Bay should win. Will they win? If you presented this scenario to me while the season was still going on, I would have said it was a no-brainer. Now...not sure. Eli is playing well, the pass rush is getting pressure, the running backs are performing well and the secondary isn't getting killed. To me though, that winter weather in Green Bay will be the great equalizer. Eli just doesn't perform in the cold weather. I think we'll see him go back to hitting his receivers in the ass or leaving them to get killed over the middle. If NY wins, it'll be courtesy of some inspired defensive play.

Green Bay 33 New York 24

Last Week: 3-1
Playoffs: 5-3
Look for UFC predictions before Saturday's telecast.

And Then There Were 8

2008-01-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

Here are my thoughts and picks on this weekend's slate of NFL playoff games...

Seattle vs. Green Bay

Snooze. This Seattle team is not that good. They beat up on a weak division. Matt Hasselbeck is iffy. Shaun Alexander hasn't been good since their Super Bowl season. Their receivers are hurt and Green Bay has a decent defense. Plus the Packers have a solid running game and one of the best quarterbacks ever, Brett Favre, leading the charge. I don't think this will be a good game at all.

Green Bay 31 Seattle 13

New England vs. Jacksonville

I don't understand everyone jumping on this Jacksonville bandwagon. They almost gave that game away to the Steelers. If Ben Rothleisberger can do that with zero protection, what can Tom Brady do? David Garrard is a decent quarterback, but he's not good enough to play catch up with the most prolific and best offense in the history of the NFL.

New England 42 Jacksonville 16

Indianapolis vs. San Diego

Ugh. This San Diego team really isn't that good. What to look for in this game: The Colts opening up to a big lead, Bob Sanders making some huge hits, Phil Rivers looking puzzled, LDT looking cranky, Norv Turner looking like Norv Turner and a scoreboard where Indy's score is bigger than San Diego's.

Indianapolis 35 San Diego 14

Dallas vs. New York Giants

This should be a great game. Giants fans are being their normal illogical selves. As are Cowboys fans. The outcome of this game is dependent on one person...Eli Manning. If good Eli shows up, look for a high scoring game that will be settled on which defense shows up. If bad Eli shows up, it could be a loooong day for NY fans. I'm thinking good Eli will show up.

NY Giants 42 Dallas 38

Record last week 2-2

Real World Sydney Wrapup

2008-01-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

So what amounted to one of the better Real World seasons in recent history has come to a close. Between this season and last season's Denver, the producers may have hit on a formula that will entertain once again. Find the absolutely most reprehensible people you can and put them in the house. With people like Dunbar and Tricia, they hit paydirt in a major way. Then we had a couple of girls who really have no idea who they are, can't decide, and that makes them less enjoyable. Those girls being Parisa, Shauvon, and KellyAnne.

But we couldn't hate everyone. Both Isaac and Cohutta were this season's saving grace. Isaac may be the best person to be on this show ever. I thought Alex really had it together last season, but Isaac took that to another level. Then you couldn't beat Cohutta spinning southern charm and wisdom and turning KellyAnne into a decent person showing the love of a good man can save any woman.

But let's get back to Dunbar. I want to preface this with the statement that the guy has clearly been dealt a pretty shitty hand by life. Just the admission that he used to fight off his grandfather from molesting him was stunning enough. Then you put in that he's been emancipated from his parents since he was 15 shows he's really had no one to guide him on how to navigate through life. With all that being said, he has to be one of the most disrespectful, angry, volatile, and ignorant people I've ever seen on this show. And that's saying something with the kinds of people they put on these shows.

The way he was speaking to Ashli was awful. Basically he was pissed at himself for cheating on his girlfriend, but taking it out on her. Newsflash Dunbar, Ashli didn't rape you. You chose to spoon with her and put yourself in that position. It's cliche at this point, but you play with fire, you're going to get burned. Sure Ashli wasn't noble in baiting you so many times, but you need to be a man and say no, rather than a boy looking for a new toy to play with.

And as one show ends, we are treated with Gauntlet III which unfortunately will not have any Sydney participants. But we will have Brooke from Denver who's time on the Gauntlet show is set at 3 episodes (take the under).

2007 College Football Wrapup

2008-01-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

Another title game with Ohio State, another crapping of the bed.

To be fair, Ohio State didn't get totally blown out of the water this year. That's mainly due to the fact that the LSU Tigers defensive line wasn't as stacked as that Florida one was last year. This game is the best preview for a four team playoff because this Ohio State team was clearly not ready for prime time. If there are 3 undefeated teams next year and one of them is Ohio State, guess who isn't getting invited to the big game?

My beloved University of Georgia Bulldogs are favored early to go the whole way next year. We'll see. Oklahoma should be good. West Virginia will be good as long as Pat White stays there. As much as it pains me to say it, Ohio State should stay pretty good (considering who comes out early). Florida with Tim Heisman running the QB position should be in the thick of things. And then we always have USC with its 17 running backs (now if they could just convert one of those kids to WR or QB).

It was a great season and at least we got a semi-competitive final game, unlike last year. My pre-preseason top 5 is as follows...

1. USC
2. Georgia
3. Oklahoma
4. West Virginia
5. Missouri

Be on the lookout for NFL playoff picks as we get closer to the weekend.

American Gladiators

2008-01-07T16:27:00.000-08:00

This show just debuted on NBC this past Sunday night. If the networks keep turning out crap like this, the writers will probably stay on strike for a while. I'll be honest when I say I mostly fast forwarded through any talking by Hulk Hogan or Laila Ali or any of the contenders opinions. This show was never about that. This show was about Gladiators destroying the competitors and trying to decide which female Gladiator you were most attracted to without being attracted to dudes.

With all this being said, here are some of the highlights of the first 2 hour episode:

1. The utter cheesiness of the Gladiators, at least on the male side. I don't know who is worse, Toa or Wolf. Toa is clearly Samoan and proud. He chose a Samoan name that no one understands except for him and Junior Seau. He does his Samoan dance at least every time he competes in an event. Then he talks the Samoan language to the competitor. Wolf howls before almost everything. When he's introduced, to acknowledge his readiness, and whenever time permits.

2. The relative attractiveness of the female Gladiators this time around. Previously they just found all the chicks who sold and took steroids so the only semi-attractive one was Diamond. I'm not even sure she was that hot, I just think everyone else was that unattractive. Now they actually just have mostly in shape personal trainers that are fairly attractive and not overly buff (with the exception of Helga [who may or may not be a dude]).

3. The new Eliminator. When I first saw it and it didn't start with the upwards treadmill, I was not impressed. But that swim/cargo net/barrel roll/handbrake/pyramid sequence would be enough to kill anyone not in proper shape. Then the last treadmill looked like a killer. Watching that Koya lady totally unable to get up it, then watch teeny tiny Venus come back and win was amazing. Clearly this new Eliminator is the great equalizer. I will also enjoy saying "GET BACK IN THE FIERY WATER!" every time they jump in the pool.

On a scale of 1-10...17 so far with a potential to get into the 20s. I highly suggest you watch this show.

NFL Wild Card Playoff Picks

2008-01-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

It's both exciting and sad at the same time. Exciting that football season is really beginning. The playoffs where we separate the contenders from the pretenders and the men from the boys. Sad because there is only a month left of football and then after that we start the great doldrums of February where it's just NBA and NHL games while we await spring training for baseball and the NFL draft. But let's not dwell on the sadness.

Washington vs Seattle

I'm not overly impressed with either of these two teams. Washington had to have a death to properly motivate them while the Seahawks aren't really blowing anyone away. However, this game is in Seattle where that crowd will get very loud. Running the offense for Washington is career backup Todd Collins. Backups are usually backups for a reason. Even Frank Reich. So I'm picking Seattle here.

Seattle 24 Washington 13

Jacksonville vs Pittsburgh

Everyone is jumping on the Jaguars bandwagon. I can see why. They have two great running backs and a stifling defense. They are playing the banged up Pittsburgh Steelers. But like Bill Simmons said (and I even thought this before hearing his podcast mind you), can David Garrard play from behind when they can't run the ball? I don't like any of their receivers and don't think he's good enough to come from behind. He better hope they don't have to. I'm going with the upset here anyway.

Pittsburgh 20 Jacksonville 17

New York Giants vs Tampa Bay

Yawn. Two boring boring teams. Two teams that really aren't going to accomplish anything in the playoffs. I'm going with Tampa because I trust Jeff Garcia way more than I trust Eli "the retarded boy" Manning.

Tampa Bay 28 New York 10

San Diego vs Tennessee

This one should be a blowout and another snoozer. Tennessee squeaked in thanks to the Cleveland gag job in Cincinatti. Vince Young always wins, but his growth was stunted a little bit this season. I'm so glad someone reached up and took him in my fantasy draft so I couldn't have the chance. Then again I took Mark Bulger, so I was screwed either way. Anyway, no way Tennessee wins this game. It should be pretty ugly.

San Diego 35 Tennessee 6

Perfection

2007-12-30T15:24:00.000-08:00

Last night the New England Patriots defeated the New York Giants to become only the fourth team in NFL history to complete a perfect season. In the twenty-some seasons I have watched football, I have never witnessed a perfect season. The closest I've come to seeing it is when the Patriots reeled of quite a few wins in a row between 2003 and 2004. This is one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of the league. The Dolphins were the last to do it, however their feat was accomplished in a 14 game season.

With all that being said, the Patriots still have work to do. For this season to mean anything substantial, they have to win the Super Bowl. Anything less and it's just another nice accomplishment in the footnotes of NFL history. All those records will be great, but won't mean or matter much. The last team to score this many points? The 1998 Minnesota Vikings. A great team, but mostly lost because they couldn't win the Super Bowl.

So while this perfect season is nice, it won't be truly perfect without the Vince Lombardi Trophy. I have confidence that they will get the job done and win the whole thing. It won't be easy as they will have to get through either the Jacksonville Jaguars or Pittsburgh Steelers, the Indianapolis Colts, and either the Dallas Cowboys or the Green Bay Packers. But I will watch with great anticipation in their journey toward perfection. I will be hoping they can accomplish the feat. Mainly because I'm tired of watching those middle-aged Dolphins popping champagne every year.

Roger Clemens

2007-12-13T21:27:00.001-08:00

When I was growing up, my favorite sport was baseball. I loved all sports, but baseball was my favorite. I spent numerous hours watching Atlanta Braves baseball on TBS, organizing my baseball cards, watching Home Run Derby on ESPN, heck, watching any baseball related programming. It probably adds up to about five years of my life. I had a short list of absolute favorite players. They are as follows: Bo Jackson, Doc Gooden, Mike Greenwell, Ryne Sandberg, and Roger Clemens.

Today the Mitchell Report was released. Roger Clemens was a prominent member of this report. They caught him cheating using steroids and human growth hormone to better his performance. The guy was on the fast track to the Hall of Fame prior to using illegal substances. Instead, he wanted more. Well...he got it. 3 more Cy Young awards and 2 World Series Championships.

His legacy now is forever tarnished. When people look in the history books they will see Clemens' name and see that he cheated to win from 98-07. If he just retired in 98 after 14 seasons he probably would have gotten in to Cooperstown on that alone. But apparently he needed more cash, a ring, and one big middle finger to everyone who said he was washed up. Instead he'll be down the road with Pete Rose selling his signature for $50 bucks a pop while they figure out who is the bigger asshole. Then he'll go home and swim in his pools of cash and not give a shit.

If I ever need it, I guess I can use that Rated Rookie card as toilet paper. Screw you Roger. You helped ruin a game.

College Football Wrap-up Pre-Bowls

2007-12-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

Looks like I knew what I was talking about with Tennessee. Or maybe I just made a totally lucky guess. You be the judge.

Anyway, let's talk some college football. Most everything that needed to be said has been said, but I wanted to speak my piece about what has arguably been the craziest college football season I've ever witnessed. Literally no one wanted to play for the national title this year. Every time it looked like we had a new contender, they'd lose a week later. So now were stuck with some crappy BCS bowls, an undeserving Ohio State team that got into the game thru the backdoor, and an LSU team that while they won the conference, lost just the week before the title game.

I'll still watch the game, and I'll still root for LSU because of my sheer hatred for Ohio State, but it won't stop me from thinking how close Georgia was to this game.

Here are some other thoughts on a wacky season...

1. West Virginia choked away a chance to win the national title. All they had to do was beat a hapless Pitt team and they would have run all over Ohio State. Way to choke it away. I don't want to hear about Pat White being injured. Steve Slaton was healthy. If you don't think this is some leftover bitterness from the 05 Sugar Bowl, you'd be wrong.

2. Congrats on the Heisman Tebow...but let's look at what you didn't win this year. 1. A game against Auburn. 2. A game against LSU. 3. And last, but certainly not least, a game against UGA. Oh, and you also lost your dignity by crying after two of these losses. Hope your vagina doesn't hurt anymore.

3. Why can Texas talk it's way into playing the Rose Bowl over a Pac-10 team, but we can't get UGA in it over a Big 10 school? Tell me who wouldn't rather watch USC-UGA over USC-Illinois or UGA-Hawaii right now? (credit to Joe D for pointing this out).

4. The coaches poll is a joke. Too many of these guys are not going to vote impartially. Also, so many of these guys are so ancient they probably go to bed at 8pm if they don't have a game. Bowden ranking WV over Oklahoma? Ridiculous.

5. This season shows we need a four team playoff. Or a plus one game...whatever you want to call it. Will it happen? Nope. What we need is less bowls so they actually mean something. We also need that extra game to settle a mess like this year. One day it could happen, but not without a lot of money.

BCS picks (the games that matter)

UGA over Hawaii 55-42
LSU over Ohio State 28-17

Can They Do It Again?

2007-12-04T10:13:00.001-08:00

Who are they? And what is it that we are wondering if they can do it again? So glad you asked...

A few weeks ago some friends of mine were talking about the business of music. We were rattling off some bands that we enjoy and how much we loved a first album or EP that was put out by said band, yet the subsequent work wasn't as good. Why can't these bands ever recapture the magic? For whatever reason they can never seem to write as good a song as they had previously. It could be the microwave nature of our culture that wants the next thing yesterday. It could be that these bands weren't that talented to begin with and put all their best songs on their first collection of songs.

However, like much of life, it is most likely an odd mixture of both.

Take a band like Cartel for instance. Their Ransom EP has seven of the best pop-punk tunes I've ever heard. You could consider at least five of them for singles to be put on radio. When they released their debut long player Chroma, it had some of the same magic. Which means they had about 7 really good songs and 5 that didn't measure up. This summer they released their second full length album and it left much to be desired. The music and the lyrics just weren't there like they had been in the past. Are they all out of good songs? Were they just not that talented as songwriters? Time will tell.

Second we have a band called Between The Trees. I've seen these guys grow from virtually nothing with a little three song EP that had some great tunes on it. They proceeded to write a full length album with some other great songs and some songs that needed another cycle through the editing machine. It makes me wonder if they can write good enough songs for another album. If I didn't like a full album that got them signed, will I like the second album? Again, time will tell.

In conclusion, I'm not sure what is the cause of these bands inability to have a successful career. The prime suspect would be the greediness of corporate business. It's all about the bottom line these days and not about the art. If it were about the art, these musicians would take their time, get the songs right, then record. Instead, they have a deadline, a budget to meet, and gross profits to make. The pressure then forces them from an arena of artistry to an arena of money-making and the two are definitely not the same. So maybe the question isn't "can they do it again?" but rather "are they able to do it again?"

So Long Tricia

2007-11-30T05:38:00.000-08:00

Wow. These last two episodes of The Real World have been utterly amazing. We have the two most morally bankrupt people getting into a fight, then that fight turning physical, then one of those two getting sent home. In a way I am sad to see Tricia go simply because she was the embodiment of everything bad when it comes to Christians. If you say that isn't bad so Christians don't look worse, I've got news for you: We already look horrible. I have to admit I had so much fun despising her. So maybe it's me that needs some work also.

Now while physical violence in that setting should never be called for, it looks to me like Parisa flopped a little there. When Tricia "pushed" her, she fell down pretty easily. Maybe Parisa is that weak? I doubt it. I'm not saying she's fat, but she's definitely healthy and shouldn't crumble under a shove from a girl that probably weighs 45 pounds less than her. Post-shove I really enjoyed Parisa's "strong woman" routine. She also showed no remorse or forgiveness. But to her credit, if Tricia did to me what she did to Parisa, I'd kick her ass out too.

After the decision to send her home was made, Tricia went right back to her uncontrite self. I loved it. Just when I think she can't suck anymore as a human, she sinks to a new low. She gets pissed off at her and throws it back on her for not letting her stay. The sad/funny/sad again part of it all is, if Parisa shoved Tricia, she'd probably want to start another crusade against all Muslims and bomb New York City to kill her family. Then some real maturity (or just drunken behavior) was shown by KellyAnne and Ashli when they started spitting on the glass while Parisa was talking to her family.

So I will miss and not miss Tricia. She certainly had a way of making the show more interesting. When the Real World has a villain, it makes it all more interesting. I hope they replace her. If not, I hope she is on every freaking challenge they ever do.

Determining Genius

2007-11-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

Take a stroll through pop culture and you will see the term "genius" bandied about quite often. Whether it's a movie you've seen, an album you've listened to, or a TV show you watch regularly, more often than not, it's been called genius. Or the person who is behind the creative output is called a genius. So what does this mean? Have we just had a genius overload in the last 30 years? Where are all these geniuses coming from? Is there something in the water?

I'd venture to say that we don't have more geniuses than we did in the past. Because everyone is so willing to call something genius doesn't mean it is. If anything we have more insecure people. I think that people are so quick to call something genius so they can be a genius by association. If they found a film or an album that they consider a genius work, then they too must be a genius. If anything, they have to be smarter than usual to notice this creativity in someone else. This is faulty thinking.

In addition, we live in a culture predicated on superlatives. Nothing can exist in a vacuum or just be what it is, it has to be the best. It either has to be the best hip-hop album ever made, the best film about the mafia ever made, or the best ensemble TV show in history. It can never be simply "really good." If it isn't the best ever, then why waste time? While this is good in encouraging people to make better work, some still decent work still gets sidestepped. Or worse yet, something good will come out, and it will get labeled "genius."

It's faulty thinking in the first place, because there aren't many artists who can fit the word genius. Leonardo Da Vinci is probably the closest. Kanye West, Jay-Z, and The White Stripes are not geniuses. Sure they are good at what they do, but they certainly aren't geniuses. Someone like Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking are genius. So next time you hear someone being called a genius, dig a little deeper and find out what's really going on. You've either got someone with daddy issues or someone desperate for a good work of art.

Age Alters Taste

2007-11-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

Often I think about the culture that I enjoy these days. The TV shows, movies, and music that as a 27 year old male I enjoy. Then I compare that with the TV shows, movies, and music that as a 20 year old male I enjoyed. The two couldn't be farther apart. Now, the dilemma is, was that because I was afraid to like these sorts of things for appearing "soft" and "pussy" in a world that demands strength and toughness from men? Or did I truly not reach an age where I can appreciate these types of media?

I'm not quite sure, but I'll list some things and you be the judge...

Movies

Dan In Real Life

I just saw this yesterday. Kind of a sappy/funny movie about a widower who falls for his brother's new girlfriend. I actually teared up in this movie a little. The me 7 years ago would never allow that to happen. First of all, I wouldn't have even been in the theater for a movie like this. I'd laugh at my married friends for submitting themselves to this torture. And here I was, not only crying a little, but actually enjoying what I saw. Surely a new day has dawned.

Music

Garth Brooks

I bought his greatest hits. In middle school all my mom listened to on the radio was country music. My best friend at the time Joe Davis had the No Fences cassette that we'd listen to while playing some video game. I bought the Ropin The Wind cassette sometime in my youth. But in my early 20s I wouldn't be caught dead listening to country. Wasn't fast enough, didn't say enough. Now I'm realizing how much Garth (or whoever wrote his songs) truly had to say.

Bee Gees

The ultimate pussy music. At least for all those bro-hams that burned disco records at Comiskey Park back in the day. Yet, I find myself enjoying their brand of pop music. When I listen to these songs I can't help but move around a little bit. Now I know these guys wrote their own songs, and they wrote well. They get lumped with disco, but they had some superb deep cuts that were also great. When I was 20, and I wasn't at some 70s themed dance party, the Bee Gees would not be gracing my music player

TV Shows

The Hills

I'd watch it because the girls are hot. Now I watch it because it's the closest thing to Melrose Place that we have left. Which is a show that I used to watch when I was 14 years old. And it wasn't just because Heather Locklear was on the show. So maybe that hasn't changed so much. But at least now I tell everyone I watch it.

So I'm not sure what is changing...my tastes or my ability to care what people think about me. Probably like most of life, it's a little bit of both.

Karo Parisyan/UFC 78 Picks

2007-11-16T05:43:00.000-08:00

I understand about 2 people that read this will enjoy this entry. But the UFC is one of my favorite sports, so deal with it. So yesterday I was reading an article about Karo Parisyan and how he wants his title shot. Two years ago he had a title shot with the then champ Matt Hugues. He tore a hamstring and went on the shelf. When he came back he never got his title shot. Now he's a little upset that he has never been given his title shot.

Here's the problem Karo, you were a fill in. You were someone that Matt Hughes could fight so the eventual Georges St. Pierre fight could be properly hyped up. Also, let's take a look at who GSP fought in order to get his title shot: Mayhem Miller (who is awesome and needs to come back), Frank Trigg (who he destroyed), Sean Sherk (the current lightweight champ), and BJ Penn (the welterweight champ who never lost his belt). Those guys are some of the best in the biz.

You however not only lost to GSP, but you lost to Diego Sanchez who lost to Josh Koscheck and Jon Fitch. Not only that, but the guys you have beat, you've done it all by decision. I think the last time Karo finished a guy was his first fight in the UFC. So guess what Karo, you're going to wait your turn. Serra and Hughes have to fight, then GSP gets winner. In the meantime you gotta fight Fitch...and you'll lose, and you'll wait some more.

Here are my picks for a PPV that should be free...

Ed Herman vs. Joe Doerksen--Herman by submission 2nd round
Spencer Fisher vs. Frankie Edgar--Fisher by KO 3rd round
Houston Alexander vs. Thiago Silva--Alexander by TKO 1st round
Karo Parisyan vs. Ryo Chonan--Parisyan by Unanimous Decision
Michael Bisping vs. Rashad Evans--Evans by Split Decision

Return to Orange County

2007-11-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

So last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Orange County. Quite frankly, I'm stoked. And if I get more of the "family van" screech, then all the better. We lost Jo, who I'll kind of miss, won't miss that much. I'll probably post my thoughts on this show semi-weekly because it truly is that awesome. Here's what transpired this week...

Vicki

She got Brianna (the most normal child of Orange County) a car, but the girl has to pay for it. Didn't quite make sense, but whatever, it's a benz. We didn't see her husband (that looks like next week) or her son. This lady reminds me of my mom in how she does all these nice things for her kids, then holds it over them when they slightly disappoint her. We didn't get a lot of her, but let's face it, there are five ladies on this show, 45 minutes isn't enough time to get to everyone.

Jeana

She probably got the most airtime. Probably because she is the most interesting. And her daughter was graduating high school. I laughed when I heard everyone who gets a 4.0 is a valedictorian. Don't breed any competition or make these kids strive for anything...everyone's a winner. Moving on...looks like Colton is turning into a little Shane, which is a bad thing. But I love his assessment that he has to be as good an athlete as Shane and as smart as Kara. This kid is smart, but he lost a tooth. It also looks like Jeana has a divorce coming her way. Which is sad, cause she's raised a pretty good family.

Lauri

She is in the midst of planning her wedding to George the ridiculously rich man who gives her a ton of crap. I think Lauri may be the worst mother on this show. Not that I can judge, but her kids seem to be in the worst trouble. Nothing a little money won't fix though. I wonder if George has a huge vault like Scrooge McDuck and just goes swimming in all his money cause the guy clearly doesn't count it, he weighs it.

Tammy

Her ex-husband Lou died which is sad. If only because he was starting to get more money and because the dumbass didn't have a will his daughters get none of it. So the young Thai wife gets all the money. And she isn't sharing with Lou's two daughters which is a shame. But now that I sit here and think about it more, it kind of makes me glad that these chicks are actually going to have to work for something in their lives. Maybe it'll be good for them. Even though they are dumber than a bag of hammers put together. That's all we really got with Tammy this week.

Tamra

The real reason we were so light on the other ladies is because we had to meet the new housewife...who is not ugly. But she has a grown son who does not get along with her new husband. Shocker. This should make for quite an interesting development considering they were already fighting at the end of the first episode. From what I can tell, Tamra is like everyone else...love money, wants more of it. All I know for sure is that she is hot. After seeing her at the hotel on Sunday I can tell that she knows she is as well. Just the way that she carries herself.

On a scale of 1-10 the first episode of the season: 24 out of 10

Bands That I Miss

2007-11-06T14:55:00.000-08:00

Recently with the dearth of good new music I've been going back thru my iTunes library to listen to some old favorites. Doing so I've come across some bands I greatly miss. Of course they left recordings behind, but I'd love to hear some new stuff from some of these bands. They truly are missed.

The Juliana Theory

Miss these dudes the most. I got a lot of crap for liking them, but they were amazing. They never got what they deserved and they always got overlooked by the mainstream. They had all the talent in the world and none of the luck. As such they were spinning their wheels with various record companies and before you knew it they were almost 30 and almost broke (most likely). Regardless they left us with one amazing parting gift: Deadbeat Sweetheartbeat. The pinnacle of their careers and their swan song. If they had to leave, at least they left like this. Not counting out a reunion though. With Brett Detar as reclusive as he is, that may or may not happen.

Number One Fan

These guys didn't really go away, they just grew up a little and changed their sound. So they changed their name appropriately. I'm not a fan of the new band, but I'm not going to begrudge these guys for growing. But listening to their album Compromises made me realize that they are good what they do. I just wanted at least a second album. Prayers are answered because they are releasing it on December 7th. I'm pretty stoked about that one. At least I'll get something to go with the other album even though they'll probably never play a show as Number One Fan again.

The Get Up Kids

Today I realized I missed this one. Something To Write Home About is their defining album, but I will finally admit I appreciate On A Wire. So much so that I"m aobut to buy Guilt Show. This is a band that weren't great musicians (except for James DeWees) and didn't have a great singer...but damn could they write some catchy, clever songs. They changed their sound with On A Wire, but they never stopped being good at writing songs. They just didn't want to be huge. And eventually they went away. Now that they're gone I realize how much they'll be missed. At least I'll have Reggie and The Full Effect.

Some Unedited Thoughts on The Real World

2007-11-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me, but I think this show has gotten really good in the last couple of seasons. Denver was great and Sydney has also been great so far. I think the producers have struck gold on a certain element. That element is to find the most reprehensible people on earth and cast them on the show. Find one or two normal, well adjusted people to balance it out.

So far this season we have had the following...

Shauvon--who has probably set the woman's empowerment movement back about 15 years. She starts off strong by leaving her fiance in order to go on a 5 month vacation. Then she misses her dude and decides to leave the show and go crawling back to him. This sounds like a case for domestic abuse later on in life. Or a divorce in their 40s. There is no middle ground. I also enjoyed Aussie guys saying she was a 6 and her quickly getting pissed. Let's face facts lady, you have huge bazooms and a huge forehead. You might be a 7.

Dunbar--definitely has some daddy/rage issues. Needs to get to a psychologist's chair very soon. And a name change.

Parisa--She cooks. That's about the only thing she has going for her. She has shown that you can't leave your boyfriend alone around her without her trying to get it on with him. To her credit, she basically got railed on by all the other girls in the house, which had to suck. To her non-credit, she did bring it on by being annoying. But man did that grilled cheese look good. My stomach is growling right now just thinking about it.

Cohutta--Surprisingly enough, the most normal guy in the house. He dispenses sage, homespun, southern advice and not enough people take it. He's about to get his heart broken by that skeeze KellyAnne which is unfortunate because the little guy deserves better.

KellyAnne-boy crazy. First Dunbar, now Huttie. I'm not counting the Aussie dudes she's trying to get with. Then she misses her ex from Texas. Luckily, we haven't seen much of her lately. But she is a Christian apparently because she was jamming to "Open the Eyes of My Heart" I don't care though...actions speak louder than bad dance moves.

Isaac--My favorite guy in the house. He's hilarious and his comments make me laugh every week. His high point so far has to be getting some rebound Shauvon, then totally dissing her a few weeks later by calling her a slut. I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed that. Not the degrading of a woman, but a degrading of that woman.

Tricia--Saving the worst for last. She's a cheater, then tries to justify it. Then she gets mad cause someone else wants the guy she's cheating on her boyfriend with. She starts drama just to stir crap up with Dunbar and Parisa. But above all else, she's a Christian. Shining example here. Maybe I'm being a little harsh on her because she's a cheater. But I don't care. She is what she is.

Rating of the season so far: 17 out of 10

Weekend at Bernie's

2007-10-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

This may be the best movie ever made. Either this or Cocktail. I've seen it probably 20 times. I'll probably see it another 20 times. I figured what better way to celebrate the greatness of this film than to make random notes and observations about it while I watch it for what is surely my 27th viewing of this film. Enjoy!

-Larry clearly lives in Harlem
-Get your ass outta here, it's too hot...gets me every time
-These dudes walked all the way from 72nd street to somewhere in the financial district...that's insane
-I've never been to the beach in nyc either
-If there is a movie that is more me and Chris Larson, I have yet to see it
-The typewriters in this movie and the computer paper are hilarious
-You get a lot more of these jokes than when you were 10 years old ("glad it's the vision to go and not the old joystick")
-And the footsie scene
-Richard's parents' apartment would be totally dope nowadays...but back then it was nerdy. Crazy how culture works like that
-The only way this old dude could be more like my dad is if he wore tightie whities instead of boxers
-"How about if I lay you out?" "Very well..."
-Bernie was a real jerk
-I want to party at Bernie's house
-Oh Tawny...why didn't she get more work?
-I just found out they filmed the beach scenes in North Carolina...I feel duped
-I wonder if people could be this hammered, not to know when someone is dead. I guess I'll never know
-I have a hard time believe the tide came up that high
-Bernie has some strong glue on that toupee
-I wonder if Kevin Smith took that scene from Clerks in the bathroom from the scene where Bernie's woman has sex with him
-"No one is going to have a sex change operation...HUH!"
-This kid burying Bernie is the best
-"Is that the killer?" "I don't know Richard should I stop and ask him?"
-"That's illegal...what you're doing is illegal." I can't tell you how many times I've said that
-This experiment isn't working quite as well as the time I did it with Adventures in Babysitting. Maybe cause I did that one at 3 in the morning
-I watch this movie and I don't know why Jonathan Silverman isn't a bigger comedy star...he was hilarious in this.
-Fast-forwarding (cause I'm sleepy, not because I like this movie any less)
-Manos de piedras...another line I use frequently

All in all...superb film. Tied with Cocktail for the best movie of all time.

Ode to Mark Richt

2007-10-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

Many of you may not know who Mark Richt is. He is the head football coach at the University of Georgia. He came to UGA in 2001 and turned around a program that was spinning its wheels. It had been a while since the school won an SEC championship, and now he's won two. The last two coaches be Florida once, and now he's beat them twice. He's turned the program around and into something respectable, like it used to be.

He is one of college football's more calm leaders. You will never see him get agitated on the sidelines. You will never see him screaming at a referee. That's why what he did this past Saturday when he beat Florida for the second time was so out of character. He told his team he would be disappointed if they didn't get an excessive celebration penalty for the first touchdown of the game. He's not one to do things like this, but when you look deeper, it makes him all that more genius.

He knew his team was in need of a serious dose of passion, and they found it. Richt had them do what he never does. Now he's getting a little bit of a hard time about it, but such is life in the SEC. He's written an apology to the commisioner of the league. Regardless, he got the win. He may get a few more before this season is over too. He may get his third SEC championship. Who knows? All I know, is I'm happy to have him as the coach. He's truth that you don't have to be loud to be successful.

Affleck vs. Affleck

2007-10-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

I am currently watching a DVD of Kevin Smith, who is known to work with Ben Affleck frequently (ie Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, etc.). Then my roomie asked about what I was watching and somehow Ben Affleck's name came up and about how his brother, Casey Affleck, is a better actor than his brother. And while he has the better name, he certainly isn't the better actor.

Now, I'm not a huge Ben fan (I even wrote a blog once showing how his acting skills could be measured using calculus [don't ask]), but I know he's better than Casey. Why? Because he is. Ben gets a bum rap for plenty of reasons. Most of which have to do with his failed relationship with Jennifer Lopez and a string of totally crappy movies. But let's not forget, the man has done good stuff. Whenever he is a prick villain, he shines (ie Dazed and Confused, Mallrats). Whenever he is a 2nd banana, he shines (ie Good Will Hunting, Boiler Room). The problem comes when he is the lead. Lately he is getting his career back on track with good work in Hollywoodland and Smokin' Aces.

And what has Casey Affleck done? Nothing until this year. He's had two good parts that allowed him to break out. Look back over the rest of his career and he really hasn't done much. Outside of the Ocean's 11, 12, 13 movies, he really hasn't done much. The only thing Casey Affleck can do better is pick better pictures to do. So as Warner Wolf says, and Bill Simmons often quotes, "let's not start sucking each other's [popsicles] yet."

For now, Ben>Casey. That is all

UFC 77 Preview

2007-10-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, it's that time again. Not too many huge names on this card, but I think this card has the potential to be very entertaining. Let's get right down to the prognosticating.

Yushin Okami vs. Jason MacDonald

Okami is coming off of a lackluster loss to current #1 contender Rich Franklin. MacDonald is coming off of a win over someone who probably isn't quite in his league. If MacDonald can keep the pace quick and get Okami out of his comfort zone, then he should work his way to a decision. Otherwise, Okami is going to impose his will and win a decision. The winner will probably get the next middleweight title shot.

MacDonald by split decision.

Stephan Bonnar vs. Eric Schafer

If you think Schafer can hold Bonnar's jock, you're crazy. But something might happen on the ground if Schafer can get it there. I'm thinking Bonnar is going to make a punching bag out of this guy.

Bonnar by TKO in the 1st round.

Kalib Starnes vs. Alan Belcher

I haven't seen much of Starnes, but I know he eked out a decision win over Chris Leben in May. Belcher does some crazy stuff and has been in almost every fight he's fought. I think this one has fight of the night potential with a slight edge to Belcher here.

Belcher by unanimious decision.

Tim Sylvia vs. Brandon Vera

This is the one that I can't wait to see. Vera is probably one of the more exciting heavyweights in the game right now. He faces his first real test against Sylvia. No one hates Sylvia more than me, except maybe Patrick Murphy. But facts are facts, and he outweighs Vera by more than 60 lbs and has 6 inches on him. However, every time I think Tim Sylvia is going to win, he loses...so I'm looking for Vera here.

Vera by submission in the 2nd round.

Anderson Silva vs. Rich Franklin

Franklin got destroyed in his last fight. Destroyed. Now maybe you could say he was recovering from his five round war with David Loiseau, but Silva destroyed this guy. I really can't envision a scenario where Franklin can beat this guy. I don't think Silva will totally outclass him like last time, I do think he will win.

Silva by TKO in the 4th round.

Belated Newport Harbor Wrapup

2007-10-15T16:55:00.001-07:00

I know you have been waiting in great anticipation for my opinions on this show. So here it is...

I liked it, didn't love it. Personally, I would have rather seen a wrapup of what was going on with the Laguna Beach crew from last year. You could have had the chin herself Kyndra be the narrator. It would have been great. But instead MTV decided to move up the highway to Newport Harbor. I didn't think it was possible, but I think we have found people stupider than those kids in Laguna.

What this show was missing was the conniving bitch who makes everyone's life miserable. Grant was looking to fill that void being that he's Spencer Pratt's brother and all, but didn't come thru. If Aly could have actually snagged Clay for any stretch of time, then she could have been it. Unfortunately, her hair was not up for the challenge. I think she hangs out with that chubby girl just so she doesn't look as bad.

This guy Clay was the most dense dunderhead I've ever seen since Jason Wahler. Of course the best looking girl on the show is in love with him too. I for one hope that she breaks his heart and dumps him for some senior pre-med major. They're always a pre-med. I also keep waiting for Chrissy to show up at the hotel, but alas she does not. Lastly, we have Chase. Who got a good job offer (from his dad probably) to bypass school and try and impregnate his girlfriend Taylor rather than go to school and actually do something himself.

I think they could bring this show back from a girl like Taylor's perspective next season. We need a bitch to save this show. Listen to me MTV.

We Own The Night

2007-10-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

This movie sucked. It shouldn't have sucked. It had great actors: Joaquin Phoenix, Marky Mark, and Robert Duvall. It had things to look at: Eva Mendes. It had a good storyline: Two brothers on opposite sides of the law clashing in 80s New York with their father caught in the middle. So how did they screw it up? So glad you asked.

1. Details. This may be superficial, but stuff like this bothers me. When the movie starts we see some clips of what looks to be late 70s/early 80s cop pictures. Then we hear "Heart of Glass" by Blondie as we are introduced to Phoenix and Mendes. Then we see a graphic: "Brooklyn, New York. 1988." What? I wasn't partying it up in 88, but I know they weren't jamming to "Heart of Glass" by Blondie. So either they slacked on the research, or this song was cheaper than "Push It" by Salt-n-Pepa. If you had put 1983, I would believed that.

2. No black people. I can't recall seeing one black person this whole movie that supposedly takes place in Brooklyn in 1988. Maybe they meant Brooklyn, Kansas.

3. Lack of Character Development. Just when we started finding some things about these people, we cut to something else. It felt as though the creaters were rushing toward to the next scene without being done with the current scene. Nothing seemed to happen for a reason other than getting this whole debacle over with.

The only good scene was where Phoenix's character goes undercover to uncover a drug lab. That was done well. Other than that, not a whole lot. All these actors have done better. This movie could have been awesome and on par with a Scorsese NY crime flick. Instead, it's something you can wait for Netflix for and even then wish you hadn't watched it.

I Hate Old People

2007-10-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Now, I've blogged about this before. But I really want people to know about my hatred of old people. They really are the scourge of the Earth who do nothing besides mooch off of people, get in the way, smell like rotting death, and basically suck at life. I was reminded again of why I hate old people yesterday while watching Michael Clayton. Now, the theater I generally frequent is in an old people neighborhood, so I guess I'm bringing it on myself. I suppose I'm one of those guys that when the tooth hurts, I keep touching it to test the hurt rather than avoid it knowing it's going to hurt.

So Kasey...why do you hate old people so much?

Example #1: Enter crotchety old guy. He walks around hunchbacked from 45 years in a thankless job or bending over picking up grandchildren. He basically wanders aimlessly looking for people he can bump into and get mad at for bumping into him. This person will always sit in front of you in a theater. No matter where you sit or how many empty seats are in the theater, this person will sit in front of you, taking away your ability to put your foot on the seat. They also like to look around at you when your foot brushes the seat like you were the one to sit behind them.

Example #2: The old lady who carries around her whole life. Are you afraid your house is going to burn down? I understand an over-large handbag assuming you are a lady of the packrat persuasion. But a freaking rolling suitcase full of knick-knacks and assorted items? Clearly these freaks have abandonment issues for whatever reason. They can't leave without their utility belt, only it pulls their pants down, not hold them up, so they throw it all in a suitcase and roll it all over everywhere obstructing walking paths of everyone. Real genius.

Example #3: The person that needs confirmation on every actor in every scene. Yesterday, this lady who HAD to sit next to me (nevermind that there was an empty seat on the other side of her friend, she had to use the empty seat next to me and make the next two hours uncomfortable) asked AT LEAST 6 times who so and so was. Is that Tilda Swinton? Is that Sydney Pollack? Oh, that's George Clooney! Seriously...SHUT UP. I'm trying to watch the movie and you ruining it asking who that is distracts me. Stop talking for two hours.

Ah...I feel better. When I'm king and full time ruler of Planet Earth, I hereby decree one old people theater in every city. Only people over the age of 50 will be allowed in. Anyone in this age group will not be allowed in normal people theaters. You will see a drastic reduction in noise complaints, spilled refreshments, and people complaining about the volume. We need to make this happen before I strangle some poor old bastard.

Jimmy Eat World

2007-10-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Eat World (heretofore notated as JEW) has to be one of my all time favorite bands. I first fell in love with them when they released Bleed American. It's funny because most JEW fans call this their least favorite album. That doesn't really matter. From there I went backwards and got Clarity. In 2004, they released Futures. They are about to release their newest album Chase This Light. I have friends who get things, so I have already secured Chase This Light even though it comes out in two weeks.

After listening to this record multiple times I have determined that since lead singer Jim Adkins started being the primary singer, they have not made a bad album. They have never deviated so far from their sound so as to turn off old fans. They've found the perfect way to strike the balance between staying true to their roots and trying new things. It's a weird situation in that you know what you're getting, but you have no idea what you're getting.

Me, I always forget how much I love JEW. I'll go a few months without spinning (bringing them up on my iPod or iTunes) a JEW record and my love for them will go underground. But sure enough, as soon as I hear "Table For Glasses," "A Praise Chorus," or "Futures" all those memories of greatness come back to me. Then I sail through the album and remember why I have loved these guys for six years now.

And now we can add Chase This Light to the JEW canon. It can easily stand next to any of their previous works. Once again I feel as though they have made something timeless and epic. However, they've done it in a different way while still sounding similar to the albums of their past. I think we all know what we're getting with a JEW record at this point. But even as I type that, I remember not knowing what to expect when I listened for the first time.

In some strange way, I guess that is why Jimmy Eat World never makes bad records.

Eulogy for the 07 Mets (Final Trimester Report)

2007-10-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Talk too much crap in the beginning of the season and look what happens. The team you hate the most goes on a historic tear and the team you love the most goes into a historic collapse. I kind of feel crappy because I saw it way off on the horizon. The Mets just didn't have it this year. The Yankees were a lot better than those first two months of the season indicated. The Cubs and The Rockies gave their fans something to cheer for. The Phillies finally found someone who choked harder than they do.

So here we are...at the end of another season. In my opinion, the Mets never had it this year. If they did, that division would have been clinched by the middle of August. They played awful in June and July. They kept letting the other teams in the NL East hang around and they paid for it the last month of the season. Even when the Phillies tried to choke down the stretch, the Mets choked even harder.

The problem isn't Willie Randolph. The problem is not totally Omar Minaya. It is a little, but he can't play the game, he can only pick the players. The Mets had two fundamental problems this year.

1st problem--The Bullpen

This one everyone could see. These guys were the worst collection of relief pitchers since the 93 Atlanta Braves. Billy Wagner and his big mouth need to be shipped to some small market that'll leave him alone and allow him to go hunting October (think Pittsburgh or Kansas City). Aaron Heilman should have been traded instead of Brian Bannister. Guillermo Mota should go back on sterioids. The book is out on Jorge Sosa. Aaron Sele was good 7 years ago. Scott Schoenweis was never good. Duaner Sanchez was never the same after he broke his arm. Or was that Pedro Feliciano? I don't care anymore. This bullpen was awful and couldn't protect a lead.

2nd problem--No heart

Omar Minaya has gotten the majority of these players in here without the thought to team chemistry. Most of these guys are so stoic, they won't get in anyone's face. The only one in the bunch is Paul Lo Duca. He's a free agent so he won't be back next year. And when he called out the team's Latin players...he got thrown under the bus. Carlos Delgado sucked a big fat one all year. I'm still waiting for him to start hitting. Carlos Beltran is a great player, but has little heart. Jose Reyes or David Wright need to step it up and step into leadership cause it's obvious no one else is. Pedro Martinez couldn't do everything.

As a Mets fan, a lost season. As a baseball fan, we could see The Cubs, Indians, Phillies, Padres, or Rockies get their first World Series title in a long time. Personally, I'll be rooting for one of those teams to make it happen. Preferably the Cubs just so I can stop hearing about that damn goat.

The Mets are just going to have to get them next year.

Defending Hanson

2007-09-28T05:55:00.001-07:00

Whenever I talk about the music Hanson makes, I feel I always have to qualify it. I have to say why I like them or give reasons why someone else should like them. Frankly, I'm tired of doing that. One reason is that I'm just tired of the repitition because outside of three people I know, everyone thinks they hate Hanson. The second reason is that Hanson doesn't really need me to defend them. Especially if you actually give their new album a listen.

The reason everyone hates Hanson is simple: They recorded "MMMBop."

That's what it all boils down. So many people hated the song and hated the band. Me, I love the song. But I could see why everyone hated it at the time. Three dudes that look like ugly girls singing a song that is called MMMBop. I'll give you that, but I want to hear what song you wrote and recorded when you were a teenager. And if it was as catchy and hooky as MMMBop then I'll let you complain about Hanson.

So ever since this song (and basically that entire album) people will not give Hanson a chance. Although none of their songs since sound like MMMBop, people don't care. However, recently a Chicago radio station played Hanson's new single without telling anyone who it was, and it was the most requested song for three weeks. That should tell you something. When people don't know they are listening to Hanson, they love Hanson.

It's as though they should have gone underground for a few years, changed their looks, and their name to The Hansons or The Hanson Brothers and they would have gained respect. Either way, this is silly now. Hanson has made a great album that quite possibly may make it to the top of my favorite albums of 2007 list. If you like poppy, piano rock in the vein of Gavin DeGraw and all those other sad bastards girls cream their jeans over, pick up Hanson's new album The Walk.

And while you're at it, stop giving me a hard time about liking Hanson.

UFC 76 Preview

2007-09-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the long break. I haven't been particularly inspired as of late. I'm going to Atlantic City on Sunday, so maybe I'll blog a little about that. Anyway, here's what I do the most on this blog, but probably gets the least amount of readers.

Tyson Griffin vs. Thiago Tavares

I'm not totally sure Tyson Griffin won his last fight against Clay Guida. I guess it could go either way. Tavares has been putting some people away in the lightweight division. I don't really know enough about Tavares to talk about him, but I have seen Griffin twice. Not impressed thus far (is that one word or two? oh well).

Tavares by Unanimous Decision

Kazuhiro Nakamura vs. Lyoto Machida

Nakamura comes from Pride. Machida has been boring in his first 2 fights in the UFC. Nakamura is the 10th ranked light heavyweight in the world. I have nothing else to go on, so I'm going with that. See what a dedicated MMA fan I am?

Nakamura by submission in the 2nd round

Jon Fitch vs. Diego Sanchez

Ah, finally...some guys I know. Diego is probably one of my least favorite fighters. His whole entrance routine and that crap he does during his introduction is beyond silly. He was on a tear and working his way up the ladder until he ran into Josh Koscheck who neutralized him and outpointed him. Well, Jon Fitch trains with Koscheck and pretended to be Diego in sparring sessions. I think Fitch knows what it takes to outpoint Diego and will do so.

Fitch by Unanimous Decision

Shogun Rua vs. Forrest Griffin

Shogun is the number 1 lightweight in the world. Forrest is my homeboy from high school. I think a lot of people are expecting Shogun to walk right thru Forrest on his way to his eventual title shot. Every time a Pride guy comes in, he experiences a little difficulty his first time in the Octogon. Only Rampage Jackson seems consistent so far. I'm predicting a huge upset here. I just think Forrest has the gameplan to beat this guy. No one is unbeatable.

Griffin by Split Decision

Chuck Liddell vs. Keith Jardine

Liddell is pissed. Jardine's chin is suspect. Doesn't make for a good combo. If Jardine can keep the distance with leg kicks and work Chuck down, he may have a shot at something in the third round. If Chuck engages and connects...it's nighty night time for the Dean of Mean.

Liddell by KO in the 1st round

Scott Baio vs. The Two Coreys

2007-09-10T12:33:00.001-07:00

No one loves reality tv than me. Further, no one loves washed up stars from the 80s more than me. So when I heard that Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were finally getting together and having their own show, I was estatic. That feeling of euphoria quickly faded about seven minutes into the first episode of The Two Coreys. Great idea, poor excecution. The entire season was just a mishmash of two guys grasping at dollars and fame so strongly it was hard to watch.

The flip side of this coin would have to be Scott Baio is 45 and Single. Now this show, I thouroughly enjoyed. And it's not just because I met Johnny V and chatted with him for a half an hour. To me this show was hilarious to watch as Scott Baio tries to figure out who he is and what he really wants out of life. This show actually had some sort of point or finishing point, whereas The Two Coreys had none and suffered for it.

Now I understand that both of these shows are fake for the most part, but The Two Coreys seemed way more fake. I believe the difference lied with the principal characters. I don't think Scott Baio gives a crap whether he works another day in his life. He is who he is and he's fine with that. He cannot control how he is perceived so he just retires from the rat race and lives rather comfortably. Corey Haim/Feldman strongly desire to be back in the public eye. They care so much you can see them reaching to make something out of nothing on their show. The fights seem fake, the antics they get involved seem prepared, their conversations seem rehearsed. Not to say this doesn't happen on Baio's show, but it happens with less frequency.

Another thing I think that contributes to Baio's show is that he seems to take himself less seriously. Corey Feldman has to be one of the most self-aware yet self-serious people ever. I think he understands the kitsch, but can't make it correspond to his life. He takes himself way too seriously and should learn to relax. I believe he sees himself as some iconic figure when really he's only been good in maybe four movies (Stand By Me, Goonies, Lisence to Drive, and Lost Boys). Granted, these films are all equally amazing, but Feldman was never what made them great. Haim takes himself less seriously, but is along for the ride with Feldman here.

Not sure what I'm trying to say here. I just wish the Two Coreys was better than it was. But at least they tried it. Now we just need a sequel to Lost Boys.

UFC 75 Preview

2007-09-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

I love it UFC has these events closer together. It was just two weeks ago we saw GSP get back into action with a win over Josh Koscheck and Randy Couture defend his heavyweight title against Gabriel Gonzaga. This card touts some serious talent and what makes it even better is that it's free on Spike TV. So now you have no excuse not to check it out or at least Tivo it.

Houston Alexander vs. Alessio Sakara

Alexander is fresh of a KO victory over Keith Jardine. Sakara is one of those competent light heavys that is always there to legitimize a contender. He has heavy hands and a lot of tattoos. I'm going to ride the popular one here and say Alexander will be picking up the victory.

Alexander by TKO in the 2nd round

Cheick Kongo vs. Mirko Cro Cop

Cro Cop will always be on the KO highlight reels after getting jacked by Gonzaga this past April. He's going to want to erase that memory. However, Kongo is no slouch and can stand with the best of them. But Cro Cop should be properly motivated to get the win here and start climbing the heavyweight ladder again. My prediction is a lot of leg kicks.

Cro Cop by TKO in the 3rd round

Mike Bisping vs. Matt Hamill

They're billing this as the Ultimate Fighter Finale that never was. I suppose that is true as these two guys were the best light heavyweights to come out of that show. What's better, is these guys don't like each other. Bisping is starting to climb the ranks of the light heavyweights and does not want to lose to someone he sees as a lesser opponent. The key to victory is to keep it standing and stuff the takedowns. If he can do that, Bisping is gold. If not, he's not.

Bisping by unanimous decision

Quinton Jackson vs. Dan Henderson

The first ever unification bout in MMA history. We've got Jackson coming of a stunning KO victory over one of the greatest light heavyweights ever, Chuck Liddell. Then we've got Dan Henderson who also KO'd another one of the greatest, Wanderlei Silva. This one is going to be a war. I'm going to go with Henderson on this one. Only because he beat Silva who beat Jackson two times. And that last KO against Liddell looked a little lucky.

Henderson by KO in the 4th round

The Pick-Up Artist

2007-09-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've heard a few rumblings about this show. Some friends had mentioned it to me and it sounded like something right up my alley. Taking some zeros and turning them into heroes with the ladies. I'll be honest and say part of me wanted to get some tips that I could use myself in the future. But also to see these guys who are more awkward than me venture out into the world and try to make it happen. Today I watched every episode they have out mesmerized the entire time.

If you haven't seen the show, the nerdy guys are taught by three guys named Mystery, Matador, and J-Dog. All three of these guys look like total dorkus malorkuses that I would make fun of if I ever saw them come into a bar. But I have to admit, these guys know what they are talking about and it is working. I must say that I'm a believer. I've seen the way some of these girls look at these guys, who frankly aren't the best looking dudes nor the most confident, and seem genuinely interested. Now, some of that may be alcohol in the clubs, but I'm sure there is some real as well.

But what strikes me the most is in the most recent episode where they all admitted this is more than just getting girls. This is changing your life. This is about being transformed into being something more than you ever thought you could be. That we all have this in us and we can all be restored to our original, shimmering selves. And I think the message of hope and redemption (no matter how it is spun in getting girls) is what is so attractive about this show.

Succeeding in this field is just one aspect of life. However, getting up on the first rung of life's ladder leads to the top. To me, that is the central message of what these guys teach. You can see it in Mystery's face. I can tell that everyone on this show really cares about one another. This is more than some funny show about geeks getting the girl. This speaks to what all men secretly desire and need. To know they can be victorious in all that life throws at them. We just see their pursuit of woman.

Here's to many more seasons of this show and many more men feeling powerful.

LHS

2007-08-31T10:34:00.000-07:00

And this is not an ode to Lakeside High School. No, I come here to tell the world about something much more important. Much, much, much more important. I use all those muches mainly to slag Lakeside rather than blow up what I'm about to write about. Lakeside was the chief rival of my high school. LHS also stands for Lauren Harf Syndrome, but any and all girls can have it, not just girls named after Lauren Harf.

Basically, LHS is a syndrome by which an attractive girl makes you think that she is into you...only she isn't. She's just really friendly and nice and you really have no shot at her. I've met many girls along the way that have LHS and want to warn the youth of America about it. The guys, to let them know not to get too caught up in a girl that really isn't that into you. The girls, to let the guys know that they are not that into them.

I suppose we shouldn't discredit friendly ladies. I'm a fan of women who are friendly and nice and not cold fish. I'm not familiar than anything worse than a woman who looks like she's been sucking on lemons all day. However, if a guy is showing interest, it is your job to distinguish this and act accordingly. If you are truly into him...let him know. If you are not, let him know that too. It's only fair to everyone involved for A) their feelings and B) their wallets.

Guys, if a really attractive, single girl is talking to you and you find yourself smitten...ask yourself why is the girl single. The possibility exists that she likes you, but it is small. She is probably just really friendly and has her eye on another guy that she isn't talking to you about. Use your instincts to discover whether this girl is really into you, or just nice. Check the body language, listen to the tone of her voice when she's talking to you as opposed to other people. You will be amazed by what you hear.

The true irony of LHS is that the girl it was named after was truly into me. So don't take this as law...it's only a theory. Feel free to test the theory though. Your bank account and your heart will thank you.

SEC Football Preview

2007-08-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ah, it is that time of year again. Yes Hank Williams...I AM ready for some football. Especially college football. I love both college and pro football...but there is something about college football. Maybe it has something to do with growing up in the south where it truly is life and death. For so long before overexpansion of pro franchises, college football was all they had in the south. Being a stem from that victorious stalk, I was given the University of Georgia and have acted accordingly.

So get ready for a lenghty preview of the only conference that really matters and consistently the toughest conference in all of college football.

SEC EAST

This is the side where reigning national champion Florida resides. But if they want to win this side again, they face some serious competition. Tennessee will be better. South Carolina has another year of Spurrier and look ready to break out. Matthew Stafford at Georgia is another year older and has no one holding him back. Those four teams are the cream of this crop. In addition, both Kentucky and Vanderbilt looked frisky last year and could threaten to do more of the same this year.

Florida's hopes reside on the arm of Tim Tebow (who is my mortal enemy from this day forth). Consider me one of the unbelievers currently. Sure he's great at running, but can he make the throws? Chris Leak isn't around to bail him out anymore. Can he perform when the pressure is on? This year we will find out. The answer possibly being yes he can seriously puts the fear of God in me. They lost all but three starters on defense, so they may need to score a ton to win some games. I'm actually going to go out on a limb and predict Tennessee to win this division.

1. Tennessee
2. Florida
3. USC
4. Georgia
5. Kentucky
6. Vanderbilt

Pains me to put Georgia that low, but they too lost a lot of starters on defense. And Matthew Stafford is still a little green with an unproven line. I am more than willing to be proven wrong however.

SEC WEST

Over here, everyone is getting all excited about LSU. If Nick Saban was still the head coach, then I could understand. But Les Miles doesn't seem cut out for this conference. You gotta be a shark or you are going to get eaten. Of course I could be proven wrong and he does have the stones to get his team over the top. Time, as it always does, will tell. Arkansas and Auburn are looking to wreak some havoc and prove some people wrong here as well. Then we have Alabama on the return track with the aforementioned Mr. Saban. And bringing up the rear we have Ole Miss (who has Michael Oher, star of the book The Blind Side, and not much else) and Mississippi State.

Look for LSU to hold off Arkansas and Auburn to take this division.

1. LSU
2. Arkansas
3. Auburn
4. Alabama
5. Ole Miss
6. Mississippi State

I like Tennessee to take LSU in the title game and get screwed in the National Title game where Southern Cal will take on Michigan or some bullcrap like that. Unless Florida made everyone a believer in the power of the SEC last year. We shall see. Tune in for weekly UGA updates, rants, and hopefully some raves as well as other college football news.

Reunion Tours

2007-08-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

Today I want to talk (write) about reunion tours. We all know about reunion tours. They are those wild beasts that feature rock bands way past their prime for a cash grab. The Eagles are probably best known for starting this trend back in 1994 with their "Hell Freezes Over" record that will help put their great grandchildren through college. Ever since then, just about every band or artist that enjoyed a somewhat large amount of fame and success has gotten the old gang back together and went out on the road.

Simply put, nostalgia sells. And as Klosterman puts it, nostalgia is merely memories of yourself. So they are selling yourself back to yourself.

Usually all of the original members get back together for the tour, bring out the overpriced merchandise, make a bundle, and we don't question it. I'm totally fine with this movement. I've even partaken with the Stryper reunion tour. Paid $30 for a tshirt and felt zero buyer's remorse. I say more power to these guys who love playing music and don't want to punch a clock for the rest of their lives. If people are going to come up to them and interrupt their lives, they might as well make some cash for their troubles.

My problem is when they completely change the nature of the band and call it the same name. Smashing Pumpkins I can handle because it was always Billy Corgan masturbating with his guitar. Him not having D'arcy or James Iha really isn't a big deal. WHAT IS a big deal is Van Halen going out on tour without Michael Anthony on bass and background vocals. Instead, they have Eddie Van Halen's chubby son Amadeus Van Halen playing. To me, this isn't Van Halen.

It would be one thing if Michael Anthony wasn't an intregal part of the group...but he is. He's the secret weapon. He is almost as important as either Eddie or Alex Van Halen. I'm fine with either Diamond Dave or Sammy Hagar as the lead singer (I prefer Hagar [totally another story]). But you can't replace a founding member of the band like this who plays an important part in what you hear everytime you listen to Van Halen.

So in conclusion, if you're going to get the guys back together...get 'em all back or don't bother.

UFC 74 Preview

2007-08-23T21:01:00.000-07:00

Seems like it's been forever since we were blessed with a UFC PPV. The last UFC promised some big things, but didn't quite deliver. I blame Tito for grabbing the fence and Rashad Evans for dancing instead of fighting. Anyway, let's get right down to some predictions that less than five of you care about.

Roger Huerta vs. Alberto Crane

Huerta is the SI coverboy from a few months ago. I've seen this guy in a 3 round war with Leonard Garcia that was the fight of the night. Look for Huerta to impose his will on whoever this Alberto Crane guy is and take another step closer to a lightweight title shot.

Huerta by Submission in the 2nd round

Patrick Cote vs. Kendall Grove

Kendall Grove has looked pretty unstoppable as of late. Patrick Cote has looked fairly stoppable. I think Kendall is just too tall and too long for Cote to get into a groove on this match. Stepping stone for Kendall before he starts taking on some legit contenders.

Grove by TKO in the 1st round

Joe Stevenson vs. Kurt Pellegrino

Minor speed bump for Joe Daddy before he gets to fight for the lightweight title.

Stevenson by Unanimous Decision

Georges St. Pierre vs. Josh Koscheck

Here's where the fights start to get good. I'm going to go out on a crazy limb and pick Koscheck. I just don't think that Georges has the mental toughness to come back from that loss against Matt Serra. Of course, I could be totally wrong. After losing to Matt Hughes he came back and put the beatdown on Jason Miller and Frank Trigg. I think Koscheck is in a little different class than those guys and has a good gameplan to take Georges down.

Koscheck by Split Decision

Randy Cotoure vs. Gabriel Gonzaga

This one should be a great one. If Randy can withstand the early heat, put Gonzaga on his back and pound him out, he could eke out a decision as Gonzaga tires in the later rounds. Gonzaga has never looked like a guy who could go the distance, and these title fights are just what Randy does. If Randy gets caught in a bad position, don't think that Gonzaga won't make him submit though. This match is basically a coinflip, but I'm thinking Randy only because of experience.

Cotoure by Unanimous Decision

Building a Perfect Real World/Road Rules Challenge Team

2007-08-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been on a big kick with these shows. Whenever I have the time or am going on vacation I'll pick up a season of one of these challenges on iTunes. I must say, I haven't been disappointed ever. Yesterday I was thinking if I could create a team of players, who would I pick? If I had to pick a team to win...who would I pick. Basically, I was bored and here's what I came up with. I'm picking five guys and five girls and challenge anyone to pick a better group.

Darrell, Campus Crawl--This guy always wins. Every time he's been on one of these challenges, his team wins. He is one of the ultimate glue guys who doesn't get in the way, doesn't rock the boat unless it's needed. The guy is a true winner and I want him on my team.

Derrick, X-Treme--This guy is a bulldog. He finally won his first challenge, but the guy is an animal. He gets the job done.

Timmy, RR Season 2--Another glue guy. Definitely keeps everyone loose with his humor. He would be the unofficial leader of this team.

Kenny, Fresh Meat--Strong competitor. Shows up when it counts. And when he's faced with elimination, he can step up his game. Very useful for the final challenge.

Miz, RW Back to New York--Quite simply the strongest competitor in the history of these challenges. He's the leader of my team.

Julie, RW New Orleans--Very competitive and has the drive to win. Able to go the extra mile. A real tough chick.

Jodi, X-Treme--Probably the best female athlete out there. A little shaky in pressure situations, but I'm willing to risk that for her athletic prowess in the missions.

Robin, RW San Diego--Keep her away from the booze and she's good to go. Another athletic girl that can get the job done.

Ruthie, RW Hawaii--Token gay team member. Only this one is as fierce as anyone out there.

Casey, Fresh Meat--Eye candy.

The hardest part was leaving Theo off. He's kind of like the new Timmy. Now I didn't pick guys like CT and Abram for their volatile personalities. Great competitors but they really can ruin a team sometimes. Coral is the same way. She's tough, but she always makes for trouble. Veronica and Beth are the same. Beth isn't even that good on a team, just in elimination situations. Now, it's your turn to pick a better team.

Things That Annoy Me 25-27

2007-08-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

25. The Mets Bullpen. This will probably be a polarizing entry, but I can't help it anymore. After this past weekend I'm about to blow up the bullpen of Shea Stadium a little early. Here are the culprits in handy little subcategories...

a) Aaron Heilman. This guy is tied for the most annoying one back there. Probably because so many pundits and fans outside of NY say how great he is. Let me give you the big tip: He is not great, nor will he ever be. He bitches about being a starter, yet he can't get anyone out for more than one inning. I can't freaking stand this guy. He's good for one blown lead for ever 5-6 times he steps on the mound. THIS is the guy we should have traded for Victor Zambrano...not Scott Kazmir. Probably the worst trade in Mets history. Ugh, let's move on.

b) Billy Wagner. This is the second part of the aforementioned tie. I don't know about any other Met fans, but for me this guy's middle name now starts with an F. This is what the Mets paid millions of dollars for? The only time the mofo has a 1-2-3 inning is when he's pitching against some team like the Pittsburgh Pirates. He's as overrated as Heilman is. I'd trade him for a box of baseballs at this point.

c) Guillermo Mota. Not only is he a cheater (he used steroids) but he never gets anyone out. He gets extra credit for being the freaking jerkoff who blew a lead in Game 2 of the 2006 NLCS in a game WHICH THE METS SHOULD HAVE WON! Seriously...let's move on for the safety of all small children in the general vicinity.

26. Cupcakes. Not so much cupcakes themselves, but people's fascination with the pastry. Look...I like them as much as the next guy, but I'm not making it a point to buy a box from some cute little hole in the wall bakery that no one knows about. Nor am I buying tshirts with cupcakes on them. I think we can all say that pizza is as awesome as a cupcake, but no one freaks out about it.

27. Dudes that wear fedoras. This is a notice to all these bros...Fedoras work for Kid Rock and Justin Timberlake. That's it.

Saving Britney Spears

2007-08-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears needs our help. Unless you've been living under a rock for almost the last ten years, you know all about Britney Spears. I'm not here to recap everything she's been through during her time in the limelight. That's what back issues of Us Weekly are for. She just recently graced another cover of Us Weekly talking about how she's staying out late with college kids. Then there is a little side blurb that says her son Jayden was out till 10:30 pm (!).

And to all this I say: "So What?"

Seriously? So what? Does she need to get herself together? Sure. Is keeping her children out late bad for them? I guess. I'm not a parent, so I can't really say with any authority, but I'm going to say yes. Does she have a drinking problem? I don't know. I know she's at an age where most people are drinking heavily for fun and it isn't seen as that big of a deal. It seems as though since she has kids, she shouldn't be drinking as heavily. This also is most likely true.

But still...so what? What makes Britney more in need of help than that idiot couple the other night who were pushing their child around in a stroller at midnight? They all need to be hit in the face with a tackhammer. Yet Britney receives all the outrage over not being a good parent. I guess since Britney had some hit singles, sold a bunch of albums, and lost her virginity to Justin Timberlake (and subsequently cheated on him many times [whore]) is more important than the regular person walking down the street.

What it looks like to me is that Britney got caught in the trap that almost all women get caught in. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. She wanted to settle down and start having children before it would be too hard to get back in shape. She wanted to have someone that would love her no matter what. At the same time she was still in her early 20s and didn't really want to settle all the way down and wanted to party like it's 1999. Now she was torn between two worlds of caring for her family and doing things for herself all while under the microscope of a bunch of normal people with nothing better to do than read celebrity magazines.

Britney Spears needs help. But so does that couple I spoke of earlier. Britney doesn't need it more just because her bank account has more zeros in it.

Reprehensible Derelicts

2007-08-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

That is the adjective and noun that come to my mind when I watch Scott Baio is 45 and Single and Rock of Love: Bret Michaels. That doesn't mean I don't like these shows. If anything, it's the reason I love them so much. In fact, that's probably why I love reality TV so much. Watching these pathetic people makes me feel better about my own life. It's only going to get better next week when The Hills comes back. You don't get more reprehensible than Spencer Pratt. The word derelict is too good for him. He is more of a troglodyte.

But let's spend time talking about the aforementioned VH1 reality shows...

Scott Baio is 45 and Single is amazing. At first I was scared that I was Scott Baio. His mentality of always looking for the next best thing (when it came to women) reminded me strangely of myself. Then I started to think about it more, and he reminded me of a co-worker who shall remain nameless. Mainly because me saying his name isn't going to make a difference for the people who don't know him. And if you do know him, you know exactly who I'm talking about. Watching this show and envisioning him reliving it when he is 45 makes this show amazing from a sociological standpoint. Do we all know a Scott Baio type? I think if we think hard enough...we do.

Where do I start with Rock of Love? Should I start with the infamous phrase "don't threaten me with a good time?" Or the ginormous breasts that populate the house? Or the chicks that look like dudes yet Bret Michaels continues to keep them around? Looks like I've started now. I'm sad we lost Rodeo this week. She truly is outer limits. What makes it even better is that she is clueless about her condition. What makes THAT even better is that Bret Michaels is totally okay with it and probably didn't want to eliminate her this week. AMAZING.

What is even more amazing is that the girls Bret is attracted to the most happen to be the least attractive in the house. Am I crazy? I don't find Heather or Rodeo or Magdalena to be attractive at all. To me either Jes or the non-ditzy Brandi would be the most attractive in the house. And it seems as though Bret realizes this, but hasn't quite acted on it yet. He still seems mesmerized by Heather who says she is 32, but looks closer to 38. I truly have no idea where Bret plans on taking this. I only know I'm going to enjoy the journey.

What is my point in all this? Neither of these two gentlemen seem like pillars of the community or worthwhile contributors to society. Yet I can't turn away. I think we enjoy watching those who are (or who we perceive to be) lesser humans than ourselves. Do I really know either of these two men? No. But I sure like to feel like I'm better than them. Maybe one day I'll figure out why.

Things That Annoy Me 19-24

2007-08-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, I found some more things that annoy me. Get ready to get depressed.

19. When Fox doesn't accurately portray a two part finale. Here I was thinking we were going to see the end of Hell's Kitchen, but instead Fox dragged it out over two weeks and now I have to watch it next week. At least show all two hours tonight. Of course we all know the outcome, Rock will win. If he doesn't win, then I will never eat at Bonnie's restaurant at the Green Valley Ranch.

20. DVR boxes that don't DVR. Now I have to wait until the morning to see Mark Phillipppoussisississ pick the younger woman. I feel truly sorry for the customer service rep that had to deal with the pregnant Mrs. Murphy this afternoon. She records way more shows than I do. It's a boy by the way.

21. People that feel the need to comment in movies. I suppose I'm being punished for all my sins when I was a teenager, but I really didn't feel like hearing some lady clap and make "oooh" noises every time Jason Bourne did something badass. Something really badass would be if he came out of the screen and broke that lady's arm.

22. Detective Jimmy McNulty playing a scuzz in 300. That Irish screw-up needed to be on the front lines kicking Persian ass.

23. That distinct odor of human urine in the magazine section of the Barnes & Noble on 66th and Broadway. Seriously, every time I go there it smells the same.

24. Having to wait for the new season of Friday Night Lights. Also, knowing that it will be cancelled about five weeks into the new season.

TV Finale Predictions

2007-08-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

Sadly, both Hell's Kitchen and Age of Love will be ending this Monday. For your sake and my sake, I am praying that the power doesn't go out in the last ten minutes like it did this past week. I'm thinking about unplugging the refrigerator just to make sure it doesn't happen. Unless I have ice cream in there, then I won't unplug the refrigerator.

Anyway...here is what I think will happen on these two TV Finales:

Age of Love

Last week, Megan chickened out on flying to Australia. She must have watched Final Destination the night before. I mean, I understand having fears of things, but this is Australia. Not only that, you get to go for free. But she didn't, and now she's gone. We're left with Jen, who is 48 (!) and Amanda, who is 25. Call me crazy, but I just don't envision a scenario where Jen will win this thing. I just can't see Mark picking a woman who is 18 years older than him and has a son five years younger than he is. But hey, crazier things have happened.

Sidenote...are we sure Jayanna is 40? She was more immature than most of the 20 year olds. Either that or she was dining on some serious sour grapes. Get over yourself.

Hell's Kitchen

Hard to believe we are already down to the final. Just last week we had the final five. But when Josh who had bamboozled his way into the final got kicked out during service and Julia was still eliminated, we were left with three. Jen was eliminated this week most likely for not noticing the sabotage job. I've heard some complaints that it wasn't fair that she went first, but if I'm not mistaken...they did this last year too. She had to have known something was up when she got up there. Serves her right for crying and falling down too much when her mom showed up.

This leaves Bonnie and Rock. Rock isn't going to lose. If he does, it'll be the upset of the century.

Now I'm watching Scott Baio is 45 and single and Rock of Love. Vh1 is amazing. Friday Night Lights is coming back soon. The Hills starts its third season on August 13. Looks like a good time to have cable.

MLB 07 2nd Trimester Report

2007-08-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

Okay...so it looks like I was a little off with my predictions from my first trimester report. The Mets are not that good and the Yankees are not that bad. While the Yankees have virtually no shot at winning the AL East (unless the Red Sox totally implode), they do have a shot at the wild card. With Philip Hughes coming back, he should give them enough pitching to get over the hump and get into the playoffs. Then again, the Indians could go on a tear, stick right with the Detroit Tigers and keep the Yankees at home in October for the first time in over 10 years. But I'm not betting on it.

The Atlanta Braves improved significantly at the July 31 trading deadline and it scares me. Getting Mark Texeira means Larry Jones is going to see more pitches and Andruw Jones will probably start hitting as well. It also means they won't have to play Julio Franco at 1st base. Side note, Julio Franco was one of my favorite players when I was 9 years old.

The Mets could have had the NL East all wrapped up, but they basically crapped the bed for the entire month of June and haven't done much better in the month of July. The only reason they are still in first is because neither the Braves nor the Phillies could get the job done for any prolonged stretch in those months. Now that the Braves have made some good trades, they should be breaking down the doors of first place soon. But it won't matter because they'll choke in October like they always do.

In the last trimester we will really see who has what it takes to make it to the World Series. I still think Boston is the team to beat in the AL. No matter who comes out of the NL, they are going to lose to the AL representative most likely. Right now I'm predicting a Boston Red Sox/San Diego Padres World Series. I could be wrong though...look at my last trimester predictions.